


When I can’t catch my breath; when I can’t feel safe; when I can’t stop running, just say you won’t let me go

by Branwen_Blaidd



Series: Someday You Will Be Loved [2]
Category: Sense8 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Developing Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Past Abuse, Rape Recovery, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:21:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 41,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26917291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Branwen_Blaidd/pseuds/Branwen_Blaidd
Summary: A follow up to I Will Follow You Into The Dark, in which Wolfgang deals with what happened to him, whilst developing his relationship with Will.
Relationships: Wolfgang Bogdanow/Will Gorski
Series: Someday You Will Be Loved [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1963990
Comments: 54
Kudos: 23





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You definitely need to read I Will Follow You Into the Dark first so that this one will make sense.

Chicago felt too bright, too full of people. After months in a quiet neighbourhood waiting for everything to be settled, Wolfgang wasn’t used to there being so many people around. It felt like he had to look every direction at once so keep them all safe. Will slipped his hand through his, lacing their fingers together securely.

‘It’s all right,’ Will murmured. ‘There’s nothing you need to worry about here.’

Wolfgang nodded, focusing on his mama ahead of him. Her eyes were everywhere but more with wonder than with fear. She had Tilly with her, her lead loose in her hand. Tilly trotted obediently beside her, unfailingly loyal. This was their first time out of their new house in the suburbs of Chicago, just a little walk through the city together.

‘Can we go back to the house now?’ Wolfgang asked.

Will nodded. ‘Sure.’ He stopped and turned to look at him. ‘There’s no rush, you know. We can go at your pace, no matter how slow that is.’

Coming here had been something he wanted. He wanted to make a clean break, needed to make a clean break. Chicago to him was a new, working world, a place where he could build a future with Will, make a life together. The trouble was, he was still broken.

They made their way back to the house and Wolfgang felt relief flow through him as he closed the front door behind them. He was safe here, with his family.

‘How ‘bout some lunch?’ Will asked, heading to the kitchen.

‘Italian beef sandwich,’ said mama immediately, with a big smile.

Wolfgang smiled as he unclipped Tilly’s lead. Will had been talking to Irina about Chicago’s famous Italian beef sandwich on the flight over.

Will laughed. ‘Sure, I’ll order in.’

As Will got on the phone, Wolfgang went to sit down on the sofa. His mama put the TV on and Wolfgang stared blankly ahead without really seeing the pictures on the screen. Tomorrow they were going to meet Will’s dad and he wasn’t sure he was ready for it.

Will had shown him some pictures. Michael Gorski wasn’t as tall as his son but he looked fit and strong. He looked like he could hold his own, no matter what the situation. Wolfgang had studied the photographs, trying to learn what kind of man Michael was. Was he a good man? Was he a safe man? Or did he have a temper? Could he be cruel?

He felt Will come up behind him, lean over and kiss the top of his head. ‘Y’all right?’

‘Yeah. I’m fine.’

His mama looked at him. ‘Not fine,’ she said. ‘Scared.’

Wolfgang scoffed. ‘I can’t get away with anything around you two, can I?’

Will laughed softly. ‘Nah, not a thing.’ He came around the other side of the sofa and sat down next to Wolfgang and put his arm around him. ‘My dad’s a good guy, I promise.’ He grinned. ‘He raised me, didn’t he?’

Wolfgang smiled, reaching up to trace his fingers over Will’s cheek. ‘Yeah, Mr Good Guy.’

Will held him close. ‘I know this is terrifying, baby, and if I thought it would help I’d say let’s leave it for now but I think this is one thing that isn’t going to get any easier until you do it.’

Wolfgang sighed, leaning against him. ‘I know.’ He rubbed his hand over his face. ‘I don’t like feeling like this.’

‘I know. But hey, we all understand and my dad isn’t going to put pressure on you.’

Wolfgang shifted to look at him, frowning. ‘Does he know? Your father?’

Will hesitated. ‘Well, he’s ex-CIA so … well, you know how many of your family’s ex-employees knew about it so…’

Wolfgang huffed. ‘I guess he was never subtle about it.’

‘He doesn’t know any details, baby, and he’s not going to. All he knows is that your father was a low-life piece of shit.’

‘You got that right.’

Will kissed him again. ‘It’ll be fine. We’ll just take it slow and me, Tilly and your mama will all be there for you.’

Wolfgang glanced at his mama, who was absorbed in her soaps. ‘I don’t think she should come.’

‘Oh, yeah? Why not?’

‘Because she’s going to be scared too. I can’t look after her if I’m busy focusing on keeping myself together.’

Will watched him for a moment, then nodded. ‘All right. Just you and me this time.’ He kissed his temple, then tucked him into his arm for a hug.

They were interrupted by a knock on the door. Wolfgang tensed, then winced. He hated that he still did that. His mama grasped his hand tight. She hated it when people came to the door too.

‘It’s all right,’ said Will, getting up. ‘It’s just our sandwiches.’

With anxiety twisting his insides, Wolfgang watched as Will headed to the door to accept the food delivery. His mama leaned against him. He put his arm around his mama and held her. He was still scared but he knew Will was going to look after them. He was learning every day to put his trust in Will, even when it was hard and scary. He knew he wouldn’t let him fall.


	2. Chapter 2

That night, Wolfgang slipped into bed in just his boxers and waited for Will. He could hear him brushing his teeth in the little en suite bathroom and he smiled as Will warbled a tune past his toothbrush. This domesticity was strangely comforting and he never could have imagined, even a few months ago, that this could feel so normal.

Will came through, dressed in his boxers and a Chicago Bulls tank top, and yawned. ‘God, tiring day,’ he said.

Wolfgang grinned at him. ‘Not too tired, I hope?’

Will raised his eyebrow and smiled a little. ‘You want to?’

‘Yeah.’ He felt guilty because there weren’t that many times he felt like doing anything. He was frightened that any moment of being with Will might remind him of … of things he didn’t want to think about. Will never pushed him, not once. He left it for Wolfgang to initiate. ‘C’mere.’ 

Will’s smile got bigger and he came to Wolfgang, leaning down and kissing him before climbing into bed beside him. Wolfgang tugged him close, pulling that warm, strong body against him. Will reached for him, his hand resting gently on his waist. They gazed into each other’s eyes for a moment, then Wolfgang cupped his jaw and pulled him in for a kiss. Their lips met, then parted as they tasted each other.

They kissed slowly, leisurely exploring each other’s mouths, their tongues caressing each other. Wolfgang felt like Will was holding back. Keeping one hand on his jaw, his other pushed under Will’s tank top to trail his fingers across his taut stomach. He felt Will’s breathing become shallower, more ragged as he pushed his hand up over his chest, finding a nipple and playing idly with it.

Will gasped against his mouth. ‘That feels good,’ he murmured.

They began to move against each other, getting more and more into it. Will reached around and cupped his ass cheek. Wolfgang tensed and Will immediately let go, pulling away with a guilty expression.

‘Sorry,’ he said quickly.

Wolfgang growled, rubbing his hand over his face. ‘Fuck, I hate this.’ He scraped his hand through his hair so he could feel the scratch of his nails on his scalp. ‘My stupid fucking brain.’

Will took his hand out of his hair and kissed it, then held it to his chest. ‘It’s all right. There’s no pressure. We don’t have to.’

Wolfgang looked at him. ‘But I want to, Will.’ He reached up with his other hand and stroked Will’s smooth cheek. ‘I want to be with you. I want to make love. It’s just …’

‘I know, baby. It’s okay. We’ll get there.’

Wolfgang thought in silence for a few moments, then shifted back onto his side, propped himself up on his elbow and looked at Will. ‘Maybe we need to approach this differently.’

Will frowned at him. ‘What do you mean?’

‘How do you feel about going on the bottom?’

Will smiled. ‘I’ll take anything you want to give me.’

Wolfgang laughed. ‘Is that one of your lines?’

Will chuckled. ‘Hey, you’re the one offering to give it to me. I clearly don’t need any lines.’

Wolfgang grinned at him, then cupped his jaw with both hands and brought him close for a kiss. This one was different from the first, deeper and more passionate. Wolfgang grasped Will’s shoulder, pinning him beneath him. Will pushed up into him, eager for more.

They scrabbled with each other, getting each other naked as quickly as possible. That first slide of hot skin against skin was delicious, bringing all Wolfgang’s focus to Will. There was nothing else but Will.

Will’s cock was hard against his thigh and his breathing was coming hard. Wolfgang rolled off him, settling facing each other again, then slipped his hand between them and grasped hold of Will’s cock. He focused on how it felt, hot and familiar in his hand. It was a little slimmer than his own but longer. It was nothing like … _no, don’t think about that_.

Will’s hand was gentle on his jaw. ‘You still with me?’ he asked softly.

Wolfgang opened his eyes and nodded. ‘Yeah, I’m with you.’

Will trailed his fingers over Wolfgang’s half-hard cock, trying to work it to full hardness. Wolfgang chewed at his lip. It wasn’t working. He couldn’t concentrate.

‘You’re too tense,’ Will murmured, his voice soft and his breath hot in Wolfgang’s ear.

‘I know, I’m sorry.’

‘You’ve got nothing to be sorry about. Hey, just lie back, take a deep breath and let me help.’

Wolfgang lay back, breathed in then let it out slowly. Will lay beside him and slowly kissed a path down his cheek, nibbled lightly on his jawbone. Wolfgang kept his eyes open and watched Will kiss his way down his neck, his chest as his stomach. His kisses were feather light, spreading warmth through his body.

As Will reached his hips, he paused and looked up, a cheeky half-smile on his face. ‘Still with me, baby?’

Wolfgang grinned. ‘I like where you’re going.’

Will’s half smile turned into a grin and, as Wolfgang watched, he bent his head and took him into his mouth. Finally, he allowed his eyes to close as the heat of Will’s mouth enveloped him. At last, he gave himself up the sensations he was experiencing, allowing himself to fully relax into the moment.

Will was skilled with his mouth and Wolfgang soon found himself moaning and gasping under his gentle attention. He buried his hands in Will’s hair and allowed his hips to jerk forward, fucking Will’s mouth. Will took him, urging him on with his hands on his hips.

His hands clenched in Will’s hair and he wanted to warn him but he couldn’t grasp the words. He came, feeling his tension melt away as he shot down Will’s throat. Will swallowed him down. Wolfgang collapsed back on the bed, sated and completely relaxed.

Will pulled back and gave him a grin, then settled beside him. ‘I think that worked.’

Wolfgang reached for him, touching his cheek gently. ‘What about you? I was going to …’

‘Don’t worry about me. All I want is for you to be happy.’

Wolfgang met his eyes. ‘I _am_ happy.’

The smile Will gave him was worth everything.

‘I know this is frustrating for you,’ he said, watching Will’s face. ‘It is for me too. But I am trying.’

Will touched his cheek gently. ‘I know, baby.’ He sighed, putting his arm around Wolfgang and tugging him in close. ‘What is it, that’s stopping you? Does it … is it because it makes you think about _him_?’

Wolfgang considered in silence how to explain it. ‘No, not exactly. It’s just it … I’m afraid that one day we will be doing something and … I’ll think of him and being with you would be tainted. Does that make sense?’

‘It makes sense that you’re afraid of that happening. But … everything that happened … well that was violence, not sex. That’s the way you have to think of it.’

Wolfgang sighed deeply. ‘I suppose we need to get on with finding me a therapist here in Chicago, don’t we?’

‘It would probably help.’

Wolfgang was quiet for a moment then turned and kissed his boyfriend on the mouth. ‘You help too, you know.’

Will hugged him. ‘Good.’

Wolfgang slipped his hand in between them and wrapped his hand firmly around Will’s cock, still hot and hard. He grinned against his mouth. ‘Why don’t you let me help you with this now? Maybe I can show you how my cock-sucking skills measure up?’

Will laughed, stroking Wolfgang’s arm. ‘As I recall, they’re excellent.’

Wolfgang gave him another kiss, then kissed, nipped and licked his way down his body. It was time Will got some attention now.


	3. Chapter 3

Wolfgang woke with a gasp, his heart racing and images he didn’t want to think about pulsing through his mind. Immediately, Will was with him, taking his hand and murmuring to him in a soft voice.

‘Hey, it’s all right, baby. You’re safe.’

Wolfgang didn’t say anything, just turned into him, pressing his face to Will’s warm neck and nuzzling in close. Will’s arms went around him and held him securely.

‘I’ve got you,’ he whispered. ‘Everything’s okay, baby.’

Wolfgang kept his face hidden in Will’s neck until he was sure he wasn’t going to cry. Then he pulled back and looked at his boyfriend. Will studied his face.

‘You want to talk about it?’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘No. There’s no point. It’s just the same one over and over again.’

‘Maybe it would help if you talked it through,’ Will said carefully.

Wolfgang sat up, pulling away. ‘No, not with you.’ 

Will rubbed his back. ‘Baby, I know what you’ve been through.’

Wolfgang got up. ‘No, you don’t, Will. You don’t know the half of it.’ Before Will could say anything else, Wolfgang headed to the bathroom. He knew Will would follow him. He always did.

He had a piss, then splashed his face with cold water and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked exhausted and there was a haunted look on his face. He had bags under his eyes and a deep frown on his brow. His eyes looked pained.

‘Fuck, I look like shit.’

‘You’ve looked worse,’ said Will, stepping up behind him. Wolfgang met his gaze in the mirror and Will carefully approached and put his arms around his chest. Wolfgang leaned back into that warm, soft embrace.

‘Do we have to meet your dad today?’

Will sighed, resting his chin on Wolfgang’s shoulder. ‘No, we don’t _have_ to but like I said, it’s not going to get any easier if you wait. Let’s just get it done and then you’ll feel better.’

‘I can’t promise I’ll feel any better afterwards.’

‘Maybe not but you’ll like my dad. He’s a decent straightforward guy.’

Wolfgang looked at his own reflection for a moment. _Get it together. Stop being a fucking coward and just do it._

Aloud, he said, ‘I need a shower.’ It was early but it was morning. He didn’t want to go back to sleep now, just in case he had a nightmare. He pulled away from Will and headed to the shower. At the door, he stopped and looked back at Will with a smile.

‘You coming?’

Will smiled, then followed him into the shower. Wolfgang switched on the water and turned his face up into the hot spray. Will stepped up behind him and kissed his shoulder. Wolfgang focused on the feeling of him, the softness and tenderness of him.

He closed his eyes, just enjoying the gentle touches and soft kisses. He trusted Will to be careful around his boundaries. It was good to just be able to touch and kiss each other without the pressure of having to perform. He didn’t have to think about anything but the touch of Will’s loving hands on his skin.

He realised he was hard. He reached for Will’s hips, pulling him against him and into a kiss. Will was hard too and Wolfgang could feel his cock, hot and hard against his thigh. He focused on his mouth, the familiar taste and feel of Will’s kiss. Nobody else kissed like him. The kiss, and Will’s hand gently cupping his jaw, kept him grounded. They moved against each other, their bodies slick under the hot, clean water of the shower.

They came together, letting out a cry into each other’s mouths. Then they were holding each other close, nuzzling into each other’s necks.

Will was the first to pull away. He stroked Wolfgang’s cheek and looked into his eyes with a gentle smile. ‘Ready to face the day?’ he asked.

Wolfgang took a deep breath, then nodded. ‘Yeah, I think so.’

About three hours later, Wolfgang wasn’t feeling so confident. They’d driven over to Will’s dad’s house and the whole way there Wolfgang had kept his hands clenched into tight fists so they wouldn’t shake. He knew Will had noticed but he didn’t say anything. They hadn’t brought Tilly with them. Wolfgang had been in two minds about that but the idea of leaving his mama at home completely alone was worse than the idea of him leaving home without his loyal dog. He had Will to look after him. His mama needed someone too.

Michael Gorski lived on a quiet suburban street. Even so, Wolfgang could help scanning the area for danger as he got out of the car. It was a habit he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to break. Will didn’t seem to mind. He waited patiently for Wolfgang’s shoulders to relax a little before he locked the car and stepped around to his side. He slipped his hand through Wolfgang’s and held it securely.

‘Ready?’ he asked.

‘As I’ll ever be.’

Will smiled, raising Wolfgang’s hand to his mouth to kiss it. ‘I know how hard this is for you. You’re being so brave.’

Wolfgang pulled a face but Will’s words, and the faith he had in him, gave him a warm, pleasurable feeling in his belly. He took a few steps forward to show Will he was ready, even though he wasn’t sure which of these quiet, pretty houses was Will’s dad’s.

Will took charge and led him forward, up the paved path towards the front door. He knocked and, only a moment later, a man answered the door. Wolfgang quickly looked him over. He wasn’t as tall as he had imagined, though he looked fit, like he worked out. He had a round, pleasant face and he gave Wolfgang a big smile.

‘Guten Morgan, ich freue mich, Sie kennenzulernen. Ich bin Michael.’

‘Wolfgang. Your German is good.’

Michael grinned. ‘Not quite as good as Will’s but I get by. Please, come in.’

Will stepped inside first and exchanged hugs and a kiss on the cheek with his dad. Wolfgang watched the exchange feeling a little odd. It was so strange for him to see that sort of affection between father and son. It wasn’t something he had experience with. Even when his father had bestowed affection on him, it had always been tainted. The ease and comfort with which Will and Michael interacted was completely alien to him.

After a little hesitation, he stepped inside and shut the door behind him. He felt twitchy, on edge, and he could see that Michael noticed it. He struck Wolfgang as the kind of man who noticed everything. Not unusual amongst law enforcement.

Michael turned away from his son and met Wolfgang’s gaze. ‘Let’s get this out in the open. I know this is difficult for you but I want to tell you, I think you have been incredibly brave. I don’t mean that in a patronising way but not many people would have been able to stand up to your family the way you have. You put some very bad people where they couldn’t do anybody damage anymore.’

Wolfgang just looked at him for a moment, then dropped his gaze, feeling his cheeks get warm. ‘It was just something I had to do.’

‘Not many people could have. You’re a strong man.’

Wolfgang swallowed, not quite sure what to say. But Michael didn’t seem to need a reply. He sat down in an armchair. ‘Please, sit,’ he said, still with that friendly manner.

Wolfgang sat on the sofa, opposite Michael.

Michael glanced at Will. ‘Willie, go and get us some drinks, will you?’

‘Sure,’ said Will. He glanced at Wolfgang but seemed to be satisfied he was all right as he then disappeared into the kitchen.

There was a moment of silence in the living room and Wolfgang didn’t know where to look. He could feel Michael looking at him.

‘I won’t pretend to know everything you’ve gone through, Wolfgang,’ said Michael. ‘But I understand something about trauma. I’ve been through some things myself, you know, and it doesn’t just go away.’

‘I … it’s the nightmares I can’t stand,’ Wolfgang found himself confessing. ‘I just want to forget about it all but every time I sleep …’

‘You need counselling. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Everybody I’ve worked with in the army or the FBI, we’ve all needed counselling at some point in our lives and, from what I know, you’ve been through more than most. Have you seen a counsellor?’

‘I did a little bit, before we left Berlin.’

‘That’s not enough. You need one here. It will take time.’

Wolfgang looked up at him and saw he was smiling gently.

‘It will help you a lot, Wolfgang. It really will.’

Wolfgang found he couldn’t speak so he just nodded. Michael reminded him so much of Will. He had that same caring nature and that same calm, in control manner, just as gentle with it as Will was. He found himself letting out the breath he’d been holding and relaxing into the sofa.

Will came back into the room with some drinks and, as Michael accepted a glass of lemonade from his son, he spoke again. ‘I’ll give you a few numbers. In my line of work, I got to know of what a few excellent therapists. You can take your pick.’

Will passed Wolfgang a glass of lemonade too and gave him a grin as he sat down beside him. He’d obviously picked up how relaxed Wolfgang was already. Wolfgang couldn’t help it. He was already finding himself trusting Michael. It helped that he shared so many little mannerisms with Will, the first person Wolfgang had trusted in a long time.


	4. Chapter 4

Will jerked awake to find himself alone in the bed. His throat hurt and he needed the closeness of his lover. His heart thudded painfully in his chest in panic and he scrambled up to find Wolfgang.

He hadn’t told his boyfriend this but he was still having nightmares himself. Wolfgang needed him to be strong for him. He didn’t need him panicking and going on about what had happened to him. It was nothing compared to what had happened to Wolfgang.

He checked the bathroom first but he wasn’t there. He looked in the kitchen and living room but he wasn’t there either. He even poked his head around the corner of Irina’s room. Wolfgang had been known to bed down in there some nights. Tilly looked up at him and Irina was sleeping soundly but there was no sign of Wolfgang.

He returned to the living room. The panic was starting to make his chest hurt when he caught a movement through the window. He peered outside and saw Wolfgang’s silhouette through the front window.

Taking a deep breath, he opened the front door and stepped outside. Wolfgang was sitting on the bench on their front porch smoking a cigarette. He’d pulled Will’s jacket on and kept rubbing the collar of it against his nose.

He glanced at Will and frowned. ‘Fuck, you look pale.’ He grinned. ‘I mean even paler than usual.’

Will smiled a little. ‘I wondered where you’d gone.’

Wolfgang nodded, then turned his attention to the view in front of him. It wasn’t much of a view. Just the street of bungalows exactly like their own. Well, not quite exactly. Their own didn’t have flowers in the garden yet, just a square of lawn. Will would have to get round to doing some gardening at some point.

‘Sorry, I should have... I just needed some air.’

‘Is it helping?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘I’m fine,’ he said, automatically. There was no feeling behind the words. It was like it was a script someone else had written for him, that he didn’t quite believe.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Will asked.

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘Isn’t that what therapy is for?’ He sighed, heavily, then took a drag of his cigarette. ‘It’s nice out here.’

Will nodded. ‘Yeah. Do you want me to come with you today? To your first appointment?’

‘What I want to do is just forget everything,’ said Wolfgang, an edge to his voice. ‘No therapy, no tablets, no fucking talking about it. What I want is to forget that anything happened and just get on with my life.’

‘The therapy will help you get on with your life,’ said Will, fighting to keep his voice level.

‘Yeah well sometimes it doesn’t even feel worth it.’

‘You don’t mean that.’

Wolfgang stubbed out his cigarette violently. ‘Maybe I do. Maybe it would be better if we didn’t bother with any of this.’

Will reached for him but Wolfgang pulled away and stomped back inside.

Will hesitated, unsure whether to follow him or not. Was it actually going to help? He felt like he wasn’t actually helping much at all. But there wasn’t any point staying out here either.

When he went inside, Wolfgang was leaning against the window frame, looking out at the back garden, with his arms folded across his chest. He glanced round at Will when he came in. His jaw was set and his brow knitted together.

‘Don’t start,’ he said, testily.

Will didn’t say anything and Wolfgang turned back to the window. He sighed heavily as he leaned against the window frame and stared blankly out.

Will still didn’t say anything. He just crossed to him, put his arms around his chest, rested his chin on his shoulder and held him. For a moment, Wolfgang resisted, tense and anxious. But then his shoulders gave and he relaxed into Will’s embrace.

‘I’ve got you,’ Will murmured, feeling his voice vibrate through Wolfgang’s body. ‘I’m here.’ He kissed Wolfgang’s shoulder and just held him, not expecting him to speak.

But after a while, he did. ‘I don’t want to talk,’ he said.

Will raised his head and looked at him, still holding him in that embrace from behind. Wolfgang’s expression was stony and unreadable.

‘What do you mean?’ he asked.

Wolfgang sighed heavily again, sounding so exhausted like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. ‘I know I have to talk about it, that I won’t get better if I don’t. I know all that. And I will. I’ll go to therapy and I’ll talk it all through with this therapist and maybe she can help me. But I don’t want to talk about it with you.’

Will watched him for a moment, then kissed his shoulder again. ‘If that’s what you want, then you don’t have to. I want you to do whatever you think will help you. Do you want me to stop asking?’

Wolfgang’s jaw clenched. ‘Don’t push me to talk but … I don’t mind you asking me what’s going on or if I’m okay. Just … if I say I don’t want to talk, just leave it. Don’t push it.’

‘I guess I have been a bit pushy,’ Will said, a stab of guilt making his belly clench.

Wolfgang took his hand and kissed it. ‘I know it’s just because you care. I’d be the same if it were the other way around.’

Will nodded, glad Wolfgang understood. He tightened his arms around Wolfgang, wanting to show him that he was there for him, that he would support him no matter what.

They stood like that for a moment, with Will’s arms around his chest and Wolfgang holding onto his hand. Then Wolfgang turned into him, pressed his nose into his neck and held tight.

Will held him close, rubbing his back. ‘I’ve got you,’ he repeated and, again, he felt Wolfgang’s tension slip away as he was held. But Will’s mind went back to what Wolfgang had said outside. _Sometimes it doesn’t even feel worth it_. But this _was_ worth it. Their life together was worth fighting for. Wolfgang’s life was worth fighting for.


	5. Chapter 5

Wolfgang had barely noticed anything on his walk across to his new therapist’s office. He’d taken Tilly with him and, knowing that she would keep him safe, he’d allowed himself to drift into his thoughts.

He was frightened. Not that he would admit that, not to anyone. But the idea of sitting down and talking through his memories, his problems with a complete stranger was one of the most terrifying things he could think of.

He had had a little therapy back in Berlin, while they’d been waiting to be allowed to leave. But that had been … well emergency therapy really. She’d taught him breathing and visualisation techniques, things to keep the panic away. They helped but not enough. He knew he needed a proper exploration of all the shit that had happened to him, to properly deal it. But he didn’t want to do it. He wanted to just forget everything and never talk about it again.

Will kept talking about ‘getting better’ but Wolfgang couldn’t picture it. He’d grown up surrounded by shit and he had no idea how he was supposed to drag himself out of it now. How was he supposed to get himself out of the survival mode he’d been in ever since his earliest memories?

He couldn’t help but think that Will was being particularly optimistic if he thought this was going to fix anything. Will was being optimistic if he thought anything was going to fix _him_.

At last, he was at the therapist’s office. The receptionist had looked warily at the dog but she had clearly been told about Wolfgang’s requirements so she didn’t question him once he’d told her his name. He kept Tilly close by him as he sat down to wait.

She’d always been excellent at reading his moods and she jumped up on the sofa beside him and rested her head on his thigh. Her weight on him helped keep his leg from bouncing with nerves as he waited.

He was grateful that he didn’t have to wait for long. After only five minutes, the door opened and a woman in a pretty summer dress stood in the doorway. Wolfgang already knew her name. Dr Heather Tanner. She smiled at him.

‘Wolfgang, please do come in. You can call me Heather. Do you prefer Wolfgang or something else?’

He stood. ‘Wolfgang is fine,’ he said and, keeping his hand on Tilly’s head, he followed his new therapist into her office.

As she sat down on her chair by her desk, he looked at her. She was pretty and younger than he’d expected. Maybe only a few years older than him. She was fair skinned, with chestnut brown hair and a pleasant smile. He stayed by the door, studying her. Could he trust her?

Tilly was sniffing the air, learning exactly who this woman was and what new environment she was in.

‘Would you like to shut the door and sit down?’ she asked, still smiling.

He didn’t move. ‘I don’t like to be closed in,’ he said.

She nodded slowly, still with that damn smile on her face. ‘You don’t need to close the door if you don’t want to but my receptionist might be able to hear us talking if you leave it open.’

He stood still, not sure what to do.

Finally, she let the smile fade and looked seriously at him. ‘You’re not going to be shut in here. You can leave any time you want to.’

‘I can?’

‘Yes, you’re in charge of when the session ends.’ She smiled again, only this time it seemed more genuine and not just vaguely pleasant. ‘With the maximum of an hour, of course. I do have other patients after you.’

‘I’m not a patient,’ he snapped. ‘There’s nothing wrong with me.’

She nodded. ‘Okay.’

He hesitated, clenching his fists at his side. He glanced back at the open door, then took a deep breath and shut it behind him. He was all right. He had Tilly with him.

He took another deep breath, then looked at his new therapist. ‘All right. So how do we do this?’

‘Most people like to start with sitting down,’ she said, gently.

He rubbed his hand distractedly through his hair. ‘Er, yeah.’ He glanced at the sofa, then went forward and sat down on the edge of the middle seat. ‘As long as I don’t have to lie down.’ Tilly sat on the floor by his feet, watching him intently.

She laughed. ‘That’s just in the movies. Do you like movies, Wolfgang?’

He shrugged. ‘Yeah, action movies, I guess. Will and I have movie night sometimes.’

‘Tell me about Will.’

‘He’s my boyfriend. He’s … a good guy. He’s so good and I don’t deserve him.’

‘Why not?’

He glanced at her. ‘Because I’m a cunt. I’m a stubborn fucker and I won’t talk to him and we can’t even fuck because I can’t keep my mind where it should be and …’ He fell quiet, suddenly realising what he’d said. He focused on Tilly’s face. ‘Can she come up here with me?’

‘Whatever makes you comfortable.’

Wolfgang sat back on the sofa and patted his knee. Tilly jumped up and lay across his lap, her warm weight giving him an immediate feeling of safety.

‘What’s her name?’ Heather asked.

He glanced up at her. ‘Tilly. I’ve had her since she was a pup. Trained her myself.’

‘Does she help you feel calm?’

‘She’s … always helped me. I knew that I was safe if she was around.’ He pulled a face. ‘She couldn’t always help but … at least I wasn’t alone.’

He felt Heather studying him for a moment in silence before she spoke again. ‘Would you like to tell me what it was she couldn’t help with? Do you want to tell me why you’re here?’

He swallowed hard, then shook his head. ‘Not yet. I know … I know Will spoke to you to book the appointment. What did he tell you?’ He looked up at her as she answered, wanting to look into her eyes to determine if she were telling the truth.

‘He told me you were raised in the crime family which were apprehended in the summer in Berlin. That you helped put a stop to their activities and that he thought you might have PTSD from everything you experienced.’

He scrutinised her face. ‘So, he didn’t tell you anything more than that?’

‘No, that was it. Wolfgang, it’s up to you to decide what you want to talk about. I don’t expect that to happen quickly. It almost never does, especially if things happened over a long period of time or a long time ago, when you were a child.’

‘I don’t ever want to talk about it. I just … I want to get better, for Will, because he deserves much better than what I am now.’

‘You need to focus on you right now, Wolfgang. Doing what _you_ need to do. I’m sure Will understands that. It is hard to start this process, especially if you’ve never done anything like it before.’

‘I had a therapist for a few weeks in Berlin. She taught me some breathing techniques and coping strategies and stuff like that but I never … talked about what had happened.’

‘Breathing techniques and coping strategies are all good things to know about and we’ll do some of that work together as well. But the point of them is to help you get through your daily life while you get on the path to recovery.’

He looked at her for a moment, then dropped his gaze, focusing on his hand stroking Tilly’s head. ‘Is it worth it?’

‘It’s hard work but it is very worth it. I’ve helped a lot of people heal and find happiness in their lives again.’

He didn’t say anything but there was only one thought in his head. _What if I’m too broken to ever be fixed?_


	6. Chapter 6

Waiting was the hardest thing. Will’s stomach had been in knots since Wolfgang had left for his therapy appointment, even though he knew this was just the first of many appointments and he was going to have to get used to it. He’d tried all sorts to distract himself. 

He’d tried reading. He’d tried putting some music on and deep cleaning the kitchen. He’d even tried _gardening_. Nothing had kept his mind occupied and off worrying about Wolfgang.

Finally, about the time he guessed Wolfgang was due to get home, he gave up and sat down next to Irina, who was watching her soaps on the TV. She had her weighted blanket spread across her lap, a substitute for when Tilly wasn’t there to provide comfort. Her attention was fixed on the screen but when Will sat down beside her, she lifted the corner of the blanket for him to scoot under.

He did, grateful for the comforting weight of the heavy blanket. He sighed. He hoped it had gone all right. It was impossible to predict what kind of mood Wolfgang would be in when he got home. Cautiously optimistic was probably the best he could hope for. Other possibilities included morose, exhausted, anxious, snappy or just plain angry.

Irina reached out for him and clasped her hand around his. ‘W-waiting is h-hard,’ she said, with effort.

He nodded, then sighed and rested his head on her shoulder. Although she was younger than his mother would be now, she reminded him of what he remembered about her. It was just as much of a comfort to be with Irina as he remembered it being with his own mom. Though Irina wasn’t as together as his mom had been. But she was coming on so much with therapy of her own. She had her own traumas to deal with and he didn’t doubt that there would be difficult times ahead but Wolfgang had protected her against so much, at a cost to himself.

Irina leaned in to rest her cheek on the top of his head and sighed contentedly. They sat there for a little while like that, just watching the TV together and waiting for Wolfgang.

It took longer than Will had expected for Wolfgang to return but, at last, they heard the door opening. They glanced up to see Tilly running in, followed more slowly by Wolfgang. Irina exclaimed in delight as Tilly jumped up onto her lap and started to lick her face.

Will got up and faced Wolfgang. He was startled to see that his boyfriend looked pale and drawn. He wanted to fire a million questions at him, to hear everything that had been said. But Dr Tanner had already told him that that was discouraged and that she would not be giving him any updates on Wolfgang, because that was up to him.

Will definitely understood that but it wasn’t easy. He clasped his hands in front of him, trying to hold himself back from asking.

Wolfgang glanced at him but only briefly and he seemed to be having trouble making eye contact.

‘Well, I know you want to ask,’ he said, looking down at the floor.

‘I’ve been told not to pry,’ said Will. ‘But, do you like her? Do you think she’ll help? She seemed nice.’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Yeah she’s nice. Pretty. I guess that’s why the cops and the soldiers like her. I’m going to lie down.’ His voice was flat and without any inflection.

‘Are you hungry? Do you want me to bring you some lunch or something?’

‘I’m fine,’ he said, again in that automatic way.

Without looking at Will, he walked past him and went to their bedroom. Will heard the door shut firmly behind him.

Will felt an ache in his chest. He felt so helpless. All he wanted to do was make everything better but he couldn’t. There was fuck all he could do to make any of this better.

He glanced at Irina to find her watching him. Her gaze was fixed on him, intense and so different from the empty way she used to look at people. He knew there was much more going on inside her head than she could express. Like mother like son.

‘Sad,’ she said and Will didn’t know if she meant herself, him or Wolfgang. Maybe all three of them. Maybe the only happy one in this house was Tilly.

He didn’t know what else to do so he started making lunch. Maybe when Wolfgang smelled food, he’d emerge and have something to eat.

After toeing his boots off and taking off his jacket, Wolfgang lay down on the bed fully dressed. He felt no different than before the therapy session, just more tired. When was it supposed to start working? If he could get angry about it or just go out and fuck some stranger or get fucked, maybe he’d feel better. That was what he used to do and he hadn’t felt so bad. He’d been coping, even through the worst of things.

Now, things were supposed to be good. He was living in safety with his mama, his dog and the man he loved. So why wasn’t everything all right? Why did he feel this horrible gnawing emptiness in his belly? It was like being hungry but not for food, not for sex, not for anything. He didn’t know how to make himself feel better.

He just wanted to numb everything. The urge to buy a bottle of vodka and neck it on the way home had been almost irresistible. The only thing which had stopped him was the thought of Will’s face when he found out. The disappointment.

But now he wished he had. The expression he’d been greeted with was almost worse. That hopeful look, as if one visit to a therapist’s office would solve everything, as if he’d suddenly turn into the man Will loved.

But Wolfgang couldn’t be that person. He couldn’t be the person Will could rescue, nor could he be that flirty, outrageously wild boy he had been when they first met. Even though bad things had happened then, Wolfgang knew so much of the damage hadn’t happened yet. At seventeen, he’d still had hope.

Now, he wasn’t sure what he had.

The thoughts were too loud in his head. He dug in his pocket and found his phone. He scrolled through his library until he found something loud enough. Rammstein, at top volume. It didn’t matter what song it was, just that it was loud enough to block out the thoughts. He started it going, then tugged the blankets over himself, wrapping himself up in a tight bundle with the music blasting his ears.

There, finally, he slept. 


	7. Chapter 7

Feeling groggy and drained, Wolfgang emerged from the bedroom more than an hour later to find the house quiet. He’d jerked awake twenty minutes ago, drenched with sweat and with his heart beating painfully hard in his chest. He’d managed to stop himself crying out and had gone for a shower, before getting dressed again in lounge pants and a t-shirt. He’d pulled one of Will’s hoodies on over it. It was a comfort to be surrounded by his scent.

He pulled it up around his mouth as he stepped into the lounge, curious about why it was so quiet and trying to ignore the pulsing worry in his belly that they had left him alone.

But of course they hadn’t. Tilly was sleeping on the sofa and Will and his mama were sitting at the table, playing scrabble. It was one of the things Irina’s therapist had recommended doing to give her some focus to her thoughts and help her relearn some of the words she’d forgotten. He lingered in the doorway, listened to his mama spell the words aloud as she placed her tiles down. Today, they were playing in English.

‘F.L.A.P.J.A.C.K,’ Irina spelled out.

Will laughed. ’76 points. You’re gonna win at this rate.’

‘Your f … forfeit,’ she said, merriment in her voice. ‘You make flapjacks.’

Will laughed again. ‘Good idea. Maybe they’ll tempt Wolfgang out of bed.’ He glanced over her shoulder suddenly and spotted Wolfgang standing in the doorway. ‘Oh, hey. You hungry?’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘Not for flapjacks.’

Will stood up, heading over to the kitchen. ‘I’ll make you something. Anything you’d like.’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘I’m fine. I’ll just grab some bread and butter,’ he said, heading towards the kitchen himself.

Will reached for the butter at the same time as he did. ‘I’ll do it.’

Wolfgang felt his jaw clench by itself. ‘I can butter some bread.’

‘I don’t mind. I want to look after you.’

Wolfgang snatched the butter dish off him. ‘I don’t fucking need help,’ he snapped.

Will let go of the dish, biting his lip. Wolfgang turned away. He couldn’t stand that worried expression. He didn’t need fucking fussing over. He’d been looking after himself for years, since he was a boy. He didn’t need anyone else to start now. He wasn’t going to let himself rely on anyone.

‘I’m just trying to make it easier for you. I know how hard everything is right now and I just want to help.’

Will was using his negotiating voice, calm and reasonable. But it grated on Wolfgang. He didn’t need fussing over or to be pitied. He just needed to be left to get on with it. Why wouldn’t Will understand that?

Anger welled up inside him and he couldn’t hold it back. He didn’t need any fucking pity. ‘I said I don’t need any fucking help!’ he yelled. ‘Just fucking back off!’

Tilly barked urgently, distressed at Wolfgang’s anger. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his mama cover her ears and he heard her cry out.

Will tried to keep his expression neutral but Wolfgang could see the hurt in his eyes and he couldn’t stand it. He slammed the butter dish down on the counter. ‘Fuck the fucking butter,’ he yelled, then shot out of the back door, leaving a heavy silence behind him.

The door slammed shut behind Wolfgang and Will stood still, numb with shock. He stood still for a moment, the hard slam of the door still echoing in his ears.

Dumbly, he picked up the butter dish, checking for cracks as if that were what mattered at that moment.

Irina cried out again and that jolted Will out of his shock. He turned to her. She had slid down to the floor beside the table and had wrapped her arms around her legs. Her head was hidden in her lap and she was rocking back and forth in distress.

He went to her side, sinking down beside her and touching her hand gently. He knew better than to put his arm around her right now. Being closed in often triggered the worst of her panic attacks.

‘It’s all right,’ he murmured, softly. ‘It’s over now.’

Her cries stopped almost immediately but it took a few minutes for her breathing to settle. She gripped his hand, holding tightly onto him to ground herself for a moment. Then she looked up.

‘Wolfie,’ she murmured.

Will sighed. ‘I don’t think he wants my company right now.’

She shook her head. ‘He does. He needs you.’

Will shook his head. ‘My fussing over him was what caused that in the first place.’

She frowned, taking a moment to form her words. ‘He doesn’t need … bread. He needs …’ She clasped his hands tightly. ‘You.’ She let his hands go and leaned back against the wall. ‘Go.’

Still he hesitated. ‘What about you?’

Irina reached for Tilly, who came to her side and leaned against her side. Irina buried her head in the dog’s warm fur.

Knowing he could safely leave Irina but not knowing what waited for him outside, Will got up, took a deep breath and followed Wolfgang out of the back door.


	8. Chapter 8

Wolfgang huddled up on the path in the back garden, his back pressed up against the rough brick of the house. He tugged his hood up and sank into the slightly too big hoodie. He tugged the front up over his nose and mouth, so only his eyes were visible.

The anger was already fading, but what replaced it was worse. Guilt. Horrible gnawing guilt. Why was he like this? Why was he such a cunt to everyone around him. Will didn’t deserve to be shouted at like that. His mama didn’t deserve to hear it either, especially when he knew it frightened her. He felt like a bastard, shouting like that over fucking nothing. What had got into him? Was he getting like his father?

He heard the back door open and he glanced up to find Will edging into the garden, chewing his lip. He looked like he wasn’t sure it was safe to be there.

Wolfgang sighed, looking away and resting his head against the wall again. ‘I’m done shouting,’ he said.

Will hesitated a moment longer, then came to sit next to him. ‘I’m sorry if I’m doing the wrong things,’ he said.

Wolfgang sighed. ‘It’s not your fault I’m a cunt,’ he said, bleakly.

‘It’s not your fault either,’ said Will, reasonably.

‘Feels like it is.’ He glanced at Will. ‘Is mama all right?’

‘She’s okay now. But … you really need to control yourself around her. She can’t cope with you losing it like that. It’s not fair on her,’ said Will, carefully but firmly.

Wolfgang stayed quiet. He rubbed the fabric of the hoodie against his nose. It smelled of Will. It was a good, clean scent, with a hint of his eucalyptus aftershave. It eased the knot in his stomach a little. But he still didn’t know what to say. He knew he’d fucked up and he didn’t know how to fix it.

He knew he was fucked up and he knew he couldn’t fix that either.

He heard Will take a deep breath. ‘I know how much you’re struggling, baby, and we both want to help you.’

‘I’m fine,’ he said, automatically.

Will gave a bitter sort of laugh. ‘No, you’re not. You’re not fine and you haven’t been fine for a long time. You need to accept that.’

Wolfgang huddled in on himself, hugging his legs tight. He knew he was struggling but he didn’t want to be. But the more he tried to convince himself that he was fine, the more he knew he wasn’t.

Will sighed. He put his arm around Wolfgang’s shoulders and firmly tugged him in close. ‘You’re not fine. Not at all. But you will be. In time.’

‘I don’t … I don’t even know how to start.’

‘You go to therapy and you talk.’

‘It’s so fucking hard.’

‘I know, baby.’

Wolfgang didn’t say anything to that, just turned his face into Will’s chest and breathed in his scent, allowing himself to take comfort in him. He made it sound so easy, just go to therapy and talk. But talking felt so impossible. He’d spent a lifetime never talking about all the shit which had happened to him. He’d spent his entire life avoiding even thinking about it, even in the moments it was happening. How could he just start talking about it? Just like that? It felt impossible.

But Will wanted him to do this. He couldn’t see it, couldn’t imagine it helping but he had to try for Will’s sake. If he could get the nightmares to stop, if he could just get his head to feel clearer and if he could just stop being an arsehole to everyone around him, things would get better.

He did like Heather but he had no idea how he was supposed to trust her with this when he didn’t trust anybody?

‘Come on,’ said Will. ‘Let’s go inside and _you_ can make yourself something to eat.’

Wolfgang looked up. ‘I don’t … hate you looking after me or anything. Most of the time, I love it and it’s … who you are. I don’t want to change you.’ He clenched his jaw, feeling his brow furrow. ‘It’s just … I’m trying so hard to … to be okay and every time you fuss over me, it just reminds me that I'm not.’

Will frowned, studying him for a moment. ‘So … you want me to pretend everything is okay?’

Wolfgang shrugged. He pushed his hood back and gave his boyfriend a smile. ‘How good are your acting skills?’

Will smiled a little too. ‘Well, I did do that undercover work.’

Wolfgang laughed. ‘Oh yeah, because you were so convincing.’

Will gave him a real smile then, pushing his arm gently. ‘Fooled you, didn’t I?’

Wolfgang watched that smile for a moment. If only he could make that smile happen all the time. If only he wasn’t _this_ person. He rubbed the sleeve of the hoodie against his nose. That smelled like Will too.

‘I’m sorry for stealing your hoodie and for losing my temper,’ he said. ‘I’m going to try not to have to apologise for much else.’

Will cupped his jaw gently, then leaned in and kissed his cheek. ‘Don’t worry about it.’ 

Wolfgang didn’t reply, just leaned in and took the hug Will gave him. It was much needed. He needed Will. He just hoped he didn’t drive him away before things finally started to get better.


	9. Chapter 9

That night, Will came out of the bathroom after brushing his teeth to find Wolfgang in bed, still wearing his hoodie.

‘Cold?’ he asked.

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘No. I just like it. It smells like you.’

Will smiled. ‘I’ll have to still wear it sometimes if you want it to keep smelling like me.’

He was relieved to see Wolfgang smile as he got into bed beside him. ‘I know,’ he said.

Without a word, he shifted across the bed to Will’s side and put his arm around his waist. Carefully, Will rested his hand on Wolfgang’s arm. He still felt cautious around him and the last thing he wanted was to push him too far. He didn’t know how to act around him anymore. Everything he did seemed to be the wrong thing.

Except … the way he’d got firm with him out in the garden that afternoon. That hadn’t seemed wrong. In fact, Wolfgang had responded well to it. He’d apologised to Irina and been calm for the rest of the night. He’d even laughed a few times at the programme they’d watched after dinner. Maybe Will needed to stop pussyfooting around him so much, just try and treat him naturally and not like he might break at any moment.

With that thought, Will put his arm around his boyfriend and tugged him in closer. Wolfgang seemed to relax against him, then he turned his head up and kissed him. Will responded to the kiss, parting his lips and caressing Wolfgang’s tongue with his own.

Wolfgang pushed forward, shifting slightly so he was on top. Will was happy to let him lead this, to take whatever position he felt comfortable in. They kissed, slowly and deeply. Will was happy with this. He only wanted to be close with Wolfgang, to be allowed to show his love. They could make out like teenagers as much as he wanted.

Wolfgang’s hand slid down his jaw, to the hollow was his throat, just visible above the collar of his t-shirt. He traced his fingers over it, tantalisingly gently.

Then his hands dropped to the hem of Will’s shirt and he shifted back just enough to put the t-shirt up and off over his head. Still anxious, Will risked moving his hands to Wolfgang’s hips and just rested them there. Wolfgang didn’t tense up. Will wished he could feel skin but Wolfgang seemed to want to remain dressed.

It didn’t matter. This was connection and touch and that was all he wanted.

Wolfgang broke the kiss, in order to kiss a path down his jaw. As he shifted, Will could feel his boyfriend’s gaze on him, studying him as he kissed and touched him. Will felt like he was being explored, being learned and committed to memory.

Then Wolfgang sat up, shifting a little so he was sitting astride Will’s hip. Will was very aware of his erection, straining eagerly for Wolfgang. He looked down at Will, meeting his gaze. He seemed pleased with what he saw because he smiled.

Then he began to move his hands again, trailing them down across Will’s shoulders and down across his pecs. His fingertips deliberately grazed his nipples and he smirked as a little moan slipped out of Will’s mouth.

‘Don’t hold back,’ Wolfgang said. He gripped Will’s nipples and rolled them, slowly, between finger and thumb.

Will let his moans and whimpers out freely as Wolfgang’s clever fingers gave him that exquisite mix of pain and pleasure. By the time he let go, Will’s nipples were tender and throbbing and his cock was hard and aching in his boxers.

Wolfgang smirked at him, then shuffled down and settled between his legs. He tugged Will’s shorts down and released his cock. Before Will could say anything, he took his cock into his mouth.

Will’s eyes drifted closed as he felt Wolfgang’s hot, wet mouth on him. He sank into the sensations of being surrounded by Wolfgang. The gentle touch of his hand on his hip was as erotic as the feel of his throat swallowing around his cock.

‘Ah, fuck,’ he gasped, as Wolfgang began fucking his mouth on his cock, fast and merciless. Will grasped his shoulders and simply rode the wave of pleasure.

He couldn’t hold back long. He came with a cry, gripping Wolfgang’s shoulders to keep himself grounded. Wolfgang swallowed him down.

Then he was back up next to Will and kissing him again. Will chased that taste of himself and Wolfgang mingling.

He reached for Wolfgang, brushing his hand across the warm skin of his stomach where the hoodie and his t-shirt had ridden up a little.

‘That was perfect, baby. Do you want me to …?’ he asked.

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘Not tonight.’

Will nodded. He understood. He just hoped it wouldn’t always be like this; that one day Wolfgang would find pleasure in their lovemaking again. Surely it couldn’t always be like this?

‘So, what is it exactly you want to get out of this, Wolfgang?’ Heather asked. ‘Because I can’t help if I don’t know what you need from me.’

They were in her office, and they had been for some time without him really saying anything. She’d asked him loads of questions about how he was feeling and what was going on but he hadn’t been able to answer her. He felt like he didn’t understand himself anymore. He’d always felt like he was strong, like he could get through anything, because he’d had to. But he wasn’t getting through this. He couldn’t act normal anymore. He couldn’t function. He used to be able to push the nightmares away, not think about them. He used to be able to go out, get drunk and have as much sex as he wanted. Now, he couldn’t even make love with his boyfriend. Why was it worse now that it was all over? It didn’t make any sense.

‘I want the nightmares to stop,’ he said. ‘I want to be able to sleep. I want to be able to have sex like any normal person. I don’t want these fucking images in my brain all the time. I used to be able to avoid them. Why can’t I avoid them anymore?’

She considered him and he had to look away from those gentle brown eyes. It was like she was looking right inside him. How much had she worked out already?

‘It is very common for people in traumatic situations to go into what’s called survival mode. Your mind knows it’s not safe to react to the trauma in the situation you’re in so you hold onto it. You don’t let it out. This is very effective in allowing you to keep going and survive the trauma. The problem comes when you know you’re safe. Your mind wants to process the trauma now but you’re still resisting.’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘I just don’t see the point in raking over it again. It should just stay buried.’

‘The only way that the nightmares and the other effects are going to stop is if you talk about it.’

‘I don’t see how that helps. All that’s going to do is put my pain on other people. I don’t want to do that.’

‘That’s why I’m here. You can’t shock me, Wolfgang. You can say anything to me, and that’s the only way you’re going to be able to deal with your trauma. That’s how our minds process things like this, by talking them through or writing them down. Whatever it takes to get them out.’

‘How can I even think about talking it through when every moment, I feel like I’m going to explode? There’s so much going on in my head, I can’t even think.’

‘Do you do any exercise?’

He shrugged. ‘I work out a bit. I used to do kickboxing back … back in Berlin.’

She nodded. ‘Things like that will help. Combat sports, running, martial arts, all those sorts of things help you get your feelings out when it becomes intense. That might help you get back in control so that you can start to process things.’

He nodded. ‘I can do that. Running, kickboxing. Easy.’

She frowned. ‘It’s not a replacement for talking about it. Nothing is going to eliminate your need to get this out somehow. But the exercise will help you regulate your moods as we start to work through this in our sessions. Do you understand that, Wolfgang?’

‘Of course.’ He stood up, dislodging Tilly who had been resting her head on his thigh. ‘I’m ending the session now,’ he said.

Heather glanced at the clock. They still had at least half the time left. He waited. She had said he was in charge of when the session ended. Was she going to stick to that?

She smiled, inclining her head slightly. ‘If you’re ready to go, of course. See you in a couple of days?’

‘Yeah,’ he said, turning to go.

‘Remember what I said, Wolfgang. Whatever exercise you do, you still need to talk about your trauma. You can’t just ignore it or will it to go away.’

‘I heard,’ said Wolfgang, then walked out. Fuck talking about it. He just needed to get himself back in control. Then everything would work out and he’d start to feel better.


	10. Chapter 10

Wolfgang’s feet pounded the pavement in a steady rhythm. Here, in the early morning mist, he was invisible, camouflage and safe. There was nothing to think about but the _thud thud_ of his running shoes on the pavement.

His breathing was steady and even and his heart rate was up but not racing. He was in control, just a runner like anyone else. He’d woken early, far too early, after a nightmare. He’d been drenched in sweat and shaking. He’d slipped out of bed, leaving Will sleeping obliviously and peacefully under the covers.

He’d had a shower but he’d still been shaking so he’d decided to take Heather’s advice and go out for a run. He felt like he was running from his nightmare and it was working. He was running from that choking fear he hated so much. He was running from that black cloud that followed him everywhere. He could outrun it, if he just kept going.

He stayed out for hours, just running until he was too exhausted to even think before he returned back home. He felt good, numb to everything. All he could feel was the tiredness of his limbs.

He got back to the house and opened the door. He stopped dead when he saw Will sitting on the sofa with his head in his hands.

‘Will?’

His head jerked up and he glared at Wolfgang. ‘Where the hell have you been?’

Wolfgang blinked at him. ‘I went for a run.’

Will stood up and Wolfgang saw that he was shaking. ‘I was scared to death. I thought you’d …’ His voice broke and Wolfgang was startled to see tears in his eyes. ‘I thought you’d done something stupid.’

Wolfgang stared at him. ‘Will, I’m not …’ He crossed to him, then reached out an touched his cheek. ‘I’m fine, Schatz. I’m okay.’

His boyfriend just looked at him for a moment, blinking hard as he fought not to let his tears fall. ‘I’m just … so worried about you.’

‘You don’t need to be. I’m fine.’ He tugged him close and held him tight. ‘I promise I’m okay.’

They held tight to each other for a few moments, Will burying his face in Wolfgang’s shoulder. Wolfgang just held him, with a mix of feelings. He didn’t want Will to feel bad but, at the same time, he was glad it wasn’t just him. It eased the pressure off a little for it not just to be him struggling all the time.

Will pulled back to look at him. His face was wet, and he wiped it hastily. ‘Did you have a nightmare?’

Wolfgang pulled away. ‘Sorry, I’m all sweaty. I’m gonna go grab a shower. Is mama up yet?’

‘Not yet. Er, do you want some breakfast?’ Will asked, sounding a bit bewildered.

‘Yeah, whatever you want to make. I’ll get mama up when I’ve had a shower.’

‘Er, okay.’

Wolfgang gave him a smile, then went off to the bedroom. He stripped his sweaty running stuff off and went to chuck it in the laundry hamper. As he did so, he stopped. The t-shirt and boxers Will had been wearing where in there, soaked with sweat.

Guilt twisted his insides. Will was suffering too and he’d never said anything about it. He’d not been moody or snappy. He’d not put any of his feelings onto Wolfgang, or given one hint that he was struggling.

Wolfgang clenched his jaw as he threw his clothes into the hamper and went through to the bathroom to shower. Things were going to change now. He had to be strong for Will and for his mama. He was going to do what he had to do to cope and just be there for them. They were what mattered, nothing else.

As Will started to make waffles for breakfast, his phone rang. He dug in his pocket and saw it was Diego. He smiled as he answered it.

‘Hey, Diego, long time no see.’

‘You’re telling me, pendejo. You’ve been back weeks now and barely a word from you. How’s the hot German boyfriend?’

Will’s smile faded. He felt like a completely different person from the naïve guy who’d gushed about his teenage love affair. Neither he nor Wolfgang were the same people they had been back then. Sometimes, he wasn’t even sure if they even belonged together. There was so much working against them. ‘He’s all right.’

‘Going through a lot, huh?’

Will hesitated. ‘What do you know?’

‘Only what’s been on the news. Though … well maybe a little more. I know what those families are like. Was he the black sheep or the golden boy?’

‘The black sheep.’

‘Shit. That’s fucking tough. Is he in therapy?’

‘Yeah. Not sure it’s helping yet.’

‘It can take a while. What about you? How are you coping?’

From the combination of the nightmare and waking to find Wolfgang not there, Will was already struggling to hold it together but the kindness of his best friend was almost more than he could handle.

‘I …’ He tried to make his voice sound normal but it came out in a croak.

‘Right, that’s it. We’re coming over today.’

‘I dunno, Wolfie’s a bit … unpredictable right now.’

‘Tough. He’s got to get used to people at some point. Mollycoddling won’t help him.’

Will swallowed down the lump in his throat. Why was he always so close to tears? It would be so good to see his best friend again, to have one of his hard hugs. ‘Yeah, all right. Come for dinner,’ he managed.

‘We can order in,’ said Diego. ‘No need to fuss over us.’

‘Yeah, okay.’ He paused. ‘D?’

‘Yeah, Will?’

‘It’ll be really good to see you.’

‘You too, Will. It’s definitely been too long.’

Will hung up the phone. He went to pick up the bowl of batter he’d started but stopped when he realised his hand was shaking. He leaned against the counter, holding on tight to the edge as he fought to control his breathing. He felt like a waterfall of emotion was cascading over him and he couldn’t control it. Holding it together was the hardest thing he had ever done but he couldn’t afford to fall apart. Wolfgang needed him. Irina needed him. He had to keep it together.


	11. Chapter 11

After he’d showered and dressed, Wolfgang went through to his mama’s room. She was awake and sitting on the bed in her pyjamas with Tilly at her side. She looked pale and her gaze was unfocused.

He took a step towards her. ‘Mama? Du Siehst nicht so gut aus.’ She really didn’t look good.

Her gaze slid to him and he could see the pain in her eyes. It was pain he so often felt inside that he tried never to let out.

‘Mama,’ he murmured. ‘What’s wrong?’

She didn’t speak but reached for him with a whimper. He went to her, put his arms around her and held her. She buried her head in his chest and held tight, trembling a little. He didn’t say anything to her either, just held her. His thoughts drifted back to the many times they’d done this. For so many years, he’d put his own needs aside and just focused on her. It was a hard habit to break, especially when she still needed him.

He realised they’d never talked about the things that had happened to them. He’d got so used to her not talking at all that he’d just stopped trying to tell her anything. He’d stopped telling anyone anything.

Suddenly, he found himself sinking down in front of her and resting his head on her lap. She smoothed her fingers through his hair and he remembered her doing this when he was small. All he remembered from back then was the two extremes in his life. Pain and fear from his father. Love and safety from his mama. Now, he was surrounded by love and nothing threatened him. So why did he not feel safe?

‘Schwer,’ his mama said.

Wolfgang looked up at her, meeting her eyes. They were so like his, both in colour and in the expressions he often saw there. She looked so lost sometimes, in so much pain and sometimes it was hard to look at her because it was like looking at a reflection of himself.

‘Yeah, mama,’ he said. ‘It’s really hard.’

She reached for him again and hugged him tight. ‘Liebe,’ he murmured, then she leaned down and kissed him on the top of his head, like he was a little boy again. Sometimes he wished he could go back to being little, do it all again where he was now, where he was safe.

But he couldn’t do that. He could do anything to undo what had happened so he just had to push on now and get on with his life as best he could.

He stood up. ‘Come on, mama. It’s time to get up.’ He smiled. ‘I think Will’s making waffles.’

She smiled back at him. ‘Will is good. Will helps.’ She frowned, meeting his gaze directly. ‘Let Will help.’

He looked away. ‘Now _that_ is hard.’

She frowned, then stood up and cupped his cheek. She looked at him firmly and he was startled by how with it she looked, how like her old self. She really was getting better. ‘You need him to help.’ Her words were awkward, like it was still an effort getting them out. But she didn’t stutter and she knew exactly what she was saying.

He held her hand. ‘I know. I’m trying.’

‘Talking is hard,’ she said, then she pulled away and went to her bathroom.

He left her alone to get ready for the day, her words still ringing in his ears. Did she mean it was hard for her to talk, because of her injury? Or wasn’t she even talking about herself? Was she talking about him?

The waffles were in the waffle maker when Wolfgang came back through into the living room. Will had managed to compose himself and now felt completely in control again, although he was worried about how Wolfgang could react to the news of their expected visitors. But he didn’t have a therapy appointment that day so he hoped he would feel alert and relaxed enough for it.

Wolfgang looked thoughtful as he came back in. That deep line had appeared in between his eyebrows and he didn’t speak.

‘Is she up?’ Will asked.

Wolfgang nodded. ‘I think she had a nightmare.’ He looked at Will. ‘I guess that means we all did.’

Will looked back at him, startled and wrong footed. He thought he’d been so careful to cover his tracks. Wolfgang looked back at him for a moment, almost knowingly.

Will looked away, not able to stand up to the scrutiny of that stare. The next moment, Wolfgang was striding across the room towards him and tugging him into a hug. Will pressed his nose to his boyfriend’s neck, breathing in his scent and feeling the warmth of him against his skin. They held each other tight, in a proper deep hug.

‘I’ve been a shit boyfriend,’ said Wolfgang.

Will pulled back just enough so that he could look at him. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean, I’ve been self-absorbed and haven’t even considered the shit you’ve been going through.’

Will shrugged. ‘I’m all right. You’ve been through a lot worse than I have.’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘The degrees of hurt don’t matter. Will … you were assaulted and had to fight for your life, and mine. You were in a traumatic situation and you need to recover from that too.’

‘Then you admit you need to recover?’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘Let’s make a deal.’

Will leaned against the counter. ‘What?’

‘If you book yourself some of these therapy appointments too, I’ll try to talk at mine.’

Will smiled. ‘You will?’ He didn’t care about himself. He’d have as many therapy sessions as Wolfgang wanted him to have, as long as Wolfgang started to get better. That was all that mattered.

‘Yeah. I mean, I don’t find it easy but I’ll try.’

‘That’s all I want, just for you to try.’

Wolfgang nodded. He glanced towards the waffles. ‘They’re not burning are they?’

Will turned and checked them. ‘No, they’re all right. Er, hey, listen. Diego called me.’

‘Oh yeah?’ So far Wolfgang just sounded curious. Surely that was good?

‘Yeah.’ He laughed, a little awkwardly. ‘He’s kind of invited himself round tonight. Him and his wife and the kids. Suggested we get takeout.’ He glanced up at Wolfgang, nervous of what he was going to see. His face didn’t give anything away but his expression seemed stiff suddenly, frozen.

‘I thought … it might be a good night to meet him since nobody’s got any appointments today. What do you think?’

Wolfgang shrugged, his gaze skirting away. ‘Yeah, fine. I guess I’ve gotta meet him sometime.’

‘Er, great. Well, he’s real chill, you know. And his wife, Maria, she’s so nice.’

Wolfgang nodded. ‘Yeah.’

Will bit his lip, feeling like he had to say more but not sure what to say. ‘Er, they don’t speak any German though. Do you think Irina will cope okay with speaking English?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Yeah, I guess. She’s been speaking English a lot more lately.’ He turned away and went to sit on the sofa.

Will was just trying to work out what else he could say when Irina came into the room and Tilly came over to check whether he’d dropped any batter. He turned his attention back to the waffles, just hoping that Wolfgang really was as okay with this as he said.


	12. Chapter 12

On the outside, Wolfgang made sure he looked calm and relaxed. He chatted with Will and his mama. He ate his waffles, feeding titbits to Tilly and joining in when the others laughed about something.

But inside, his stomach was in knots and he could feel his heart pounding in his chest. Will had talked about Diego a lot. He knew he was both his best friend and his mentor. Nobody’s opinion was more important to Will than Diego’s. If Diego knew that Will was sacrificing his own well-being, giving up all the fun in his life to look after Wolfgang, he wasn’t going to be happy. If Diego knew that Wolfgang wasn’t even close to what Will deserved, what would he do?

Bile rose in his throat and he swallowed it down. He _knew_ Will deserved better than him and he knew he was a selfish arsehole, but he just couldn’t let Will go right now. He needed him. Some days, _most days_ , he was the only thing holding him together.

He had to show Diego he was getting it together, that he wasn’t weighing Will down with his own problems, that he was looking after Will.

He finished his waffles and slipped away from the breakfast table. He crossed to the front door, where his jacket and shoes were and started to put them on.

Will glanced over at him. ‘Hey, where you going?’ he asked, keeping his voice deliberately casual.

‘Just going to the shop for some cigarettes. I’m nearly out.’

Will started to stand up. ‘We’ll come with you. We could drive to the supermarket for a few other bits.’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘Nah, I need to clear my head a bit. I want to walk.’

At that word, Tilly pricked her ears up and trotted hopefully over to him. He stroked her head. ‘I’ll take you out later, girl.’ He glanced at Will, who was frowning worriedly at him.

‘You sure you’re all right?’

‘Fine. Promise. Just want some air.’ He smiled. ‘You know, before I pollute my lungs with cigarette smoke.’

Will smiled weakly but gave no more protests. Wolfgang pulled his jacket on, patted it to make sure his wallet and his keys were safely in there, then left, shutting the front door firmly behind him.

He felt like Will could see right through the lie, even though it wasn’t strictly a lie. He _was_ getting cigarettes. He was just getting something else as well.

It was a twenty-minute walk to the nearest shop. Wolfgang quite liked living in quiet suburbia, except for that part. Even though the mansion had been in large grounds, it had actually been quite near to everything, making it easy to go places, when he’d been allowed out of course.

He scowled. That part of it seemed to be the bit that came back to him the most. How it had felt to be locked in, and worse to be locked into somewhere that could turn dangerous at any moment. He felt guilty about making Will sleep with the doors and windows open most nights but he just couldn’t stand that feeling of being trapped. Although some nights, it was the opposite way around and he had to get everything locked up before he felt safe. Sometimes, actually most of the time, his mind was too confusing to make sense of. And if he couldn’t manage to understand himself, Will didn’t stand much of a chance. Neither did the counsellor. In fact, he was certain she wasn’t ever going to understand him. No one could.

The shop was quiet. He wandered round the aisles a bit, pretending to himself he was considering picking up some snacks or something quick for lunch, pretending to himself he could resist the pull of what he’d come for.

He couldn’t pretend for long. He went to the counter. A large man about the same age as his father was at the till and he stopped dead, a few feet away.

‘Yeah?’ the man asked, in a local accent. ‘You gonna buy something?’

Wolfgang took a second to switch to the part of his brain which handled English. ‘A pack of Marlboro and a bottle of Russian vodka.’

The man gave him a sharp look and he realised he’d said the wrong thing.

‘We don’t have commie shit here,’ he said. ‘Just good old American made.’ He turned and grabbed a bottle from behind him and set it down on the counter. It said Tito’s on the label. ‘80 proof,’ he said, then grinned. ‘That good enough for ya?’

‘Yeah, thank you,’ said Wolfgang. He showed his ID then got his credit card out to pay. He preferred using his card because then he didn’t have to try and work out which notes were which. He still hadn’t got his head around dollars.

It was given to him in a brown paper bag and, as he left the counter, Wolfgang wondered if what the movies had told him were true. Did Americans wrap their bottles in brown paper when they wanted to drink in public? It seemed like it was true.

On the way out of the shop, he spotted a rack of different coloured flasks so he picked out a black one, then double-backed and bought that as well, as well as a packet of mints. The man didn’t say anything to him this time, just raised an eyebrow.

Wolfgang didn’t go back to the house but carried on walking in the opposite direction instead, on towards the park he knew was not far away. He planned to go there on a run at some point but right then he just wanted somewhere to sit and drink himself a little bit of courage. He needed it to keep up the act. He had to convince Diego he was worthy of Will. The trouble was, deep inside, he knew full well he wasn’t. But he couldn’t face losing him, not yet.

 _Please, not yet._


	13. Chapter 13

It had been hours and Wolfgang wasn’t back yet. Will tried to ignore the worry gnawing in his stomach, trying to tell himself that Wolfgang was perfectly capable of looking after himself. He didn’t want Will to fuss over him and Will was doing his best but it went completely contrary to his nature.

As Irina watched her soaps, he cleaned up ready for their visitors that evening. It was a handy distraction though it didn’t work perfectly. He’d just finished cleaning and starting to make some lunch when Tilly started whining and scratching at the front door. Will went to it and opened it.

Unusually for her, Tilly darted out and Will had just opened her mouth to tell her to come back when he saw why she had run out. Wolfgang was at the end of the path, pacing up and down. As Tilly battered into his legs, he looked up and ran his hand through his hair as he saw Will looking at him. The expression on his face looked s though he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t.

But apart from the guilty look, he seemed okay. He came up the path, with Tilly at his heels. This time Will managed not to ask where he’d been.

‘Sorry,’ said Wolfgang, as if he knew what Will wanted to ask. ‘I just went for a walk.’ He fiddled with his jacket, which looked a little bulkier than when he’d gone out. But Will didn’t want to interrogate him so he didn’t mention it.

Will stepped back to let him in. ‘I was just making some lunch. You hungry?’

‘Yeah, I guess.’ He walked past Will. ‘I need a piss.’

Skirting around him, Wolfgang went through to their bedroom, obviously heading for their bathroom. Why he didn’t use the one off the hall, Will didn’t know. But he was absolutely determined not to interrogate him so he didn’t say anything and just went back to making lunch.

During their meal and the afternoon, Will was aware there was something different about Wolfgang. He went outside to smoke a bit more than usual but Will put that down to nerves. He also seemed to be concentrating harder than usual on just walking and talking. Maybe he was close to a sort of shut down. He’d done that before, when he was in the hospital after the fire, and the first couple of weeks in the safehouse in Berlin he’d been like that. If it were that again, he’d come out of it. He just needed not to be pushed. Will hoped that evening wasn’t too much for him.

At six o’clock, the doorbell rang and Will felt Wolfgang tense on the sofa beside him. He glanced at him. ‘You ready?’

Wolfgang nodded. ‘As I’ll ever be.’ He got up with Will, standing well back with Tilly at his side. Will’s gaze swept over him for a moment, making sure he was all right. Irina sat on the edge of her seat, eager to see the visitors.

Will smiled, then went to open the door. Immediately, Lucia and Alex jumped on him, hugging him tight.

‘Uncle Will!’ they cried together.

He tugged them back. ‘Hey, kids.’ He put them down and looked up at Diego and Maria who were still standing on his doorstep.

Diego grinned at him. ‘Hey, stranger,’ he said, then stepped forward and hugged him tight. Will held onto him, so grateful for the hug from his friend. It had been too long.

Maria hugged him too before Will shut the door behind them and turned to introduce his new family to his friends.

‘This is Wolfgang and Irina. Oh, and Tilly of course,’ he said, as the dog took a few steps forward to sniff the newcomers. ‘And this is Diego, Maria, Lucia and Alex.’

Irina stood up and came forward. She smiled at the children. ‘Hello,’ she said, in English. ‘How old are you?’

Alex gave her a polite but friendly smile. ‘I’m nearly nine and my sister’s six.’

‘I’ll be seven before you’re nine!’ said Lucia, indignantly.

Irina laughed. ‘You’re both getting very grown up.’

Lucia put her hand through Irina’s. ‘Papa says you like scrabble. I can play that. Do you want to play? Papa says there’s going to be lots of boring grown up talk.’

Diego laughed. ‘That’s not exactly what I said, Lucia.’

Lucia didn’t respond but kept her gaze on Irina. Irina’s pale cheeks flushed pink with delight.

‘I would like to play,’ she said, in her slightly halting speech.

Alex, who had always been a good-hearted kid, turned his attention to Wolfgang as Irina and Lucia got the scrabble board out.

‘Hi,’ he said, brightly.

Wolfgang didn’t say anything, just stared at him. Undeterred, Alex looked at the dog.

‘Can I pet your dog?’ he asked.

Still, Wolfgang didn’t say anything. Will looked at him. He seemed frozen to the spot and unable to do anything. Will stepped forward and patted Alex on the back.

‘Sure, Buddy,’ he said. ‘She’s very friendly. Come here, Tilly.’

Tilly obediently came forward. Alex, who was used to dogs, held out his hand for her to sniff and didn’t touch her until she pushed her back against his hand. Then he grinned and started scratching her back.

Will turned to Diego and Maria, who were both watching curiously. ‘Drinks? We’ve got beer or wine. No spirits, I’m afraid.’

‘I’ll have a beer, thanks,’ said Diego. ‘We should probably order the food soon. It gets busy tonight and you don’t want to let these ankle-biters get too hungry.’

Will recognised Diego’s light and breezy tone. He often used it whenever there were tensions at work. Of course, he’d read the situation immediately. He was good at that.

Will went to get the beer for Diego and Maria came to help and choose the wine she wanted.

‘Is he a bit shy?’ she asked, in an undertone once they were in the kitchen area.

Will glanced at where Wolfgang was still standing awkwardly in the living room, not responding to Diego’s attempts to talk. His hands were in his pockets as he tried to give the impression of casualness, but Will could see that his fists were balled inside the pockets.

Diego went to sit on the sofa, where Lucia and Irina were already engaged in a game of scrabble. Will smiled. Irina had a big smile on her face. It was good to see her happy. If only he could get the same reaction in Wolfgang.

Suddenly, Wolfgang turned and shot out of the back door. Will turned to go after him but Maria put her hand on his arm and held him back.

‘He probably just needs a minute to get himself together. Give him his space.’

The urge to go after him was still overwhelming but, with effort, Will stopped himself. Maria was right. He just needed a moment.

He busied himself with getting a few menus together so they could choose what they were going to order. At least everyone else was happy. Irina was beaming encouragingly as Lucia spelled out whizzbang. Alex was getting licks from Tilly as he fussed her and Diego and Maria were sitting down comfortably with their drinks. There was still a chance for this to go okay, if only Wolfgang could get himself together.

Suddenly, Wolfgang came back in and now he was smiling. ‘Right, I’m starving!’ he declared, in a bright and cheery voice very unlike his usual self, at least lately. ‘Have we decided what we’re having?’

Without the slightest bit of hesitation, he sat down with the others and joined in their conversation. Will watched him a moment, confused. This was good. This was what he’d wanted. Wolfgang seemed to have got himself together.

So why did Will feel like something was very wrong?


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A closer look into Wolfgang's state of mind in this one so there are some quotes of intrusive thoughts. Might be triggering.

**Why are you bothering with this? You can’t change what they think of you. They’re going to see right through you.**

Wolfgang shoved his hand in his pocket and pushed his nails into his thigh through the pocket lining. That horrible voice in his head was like a demon whispering in his ear. _Shut up, shut up_ , he told the voice.

**They know you’re nothing. They know you don’t deserve him.**

Wolfgang glanced around the room. Everybody seemed relaxed and happy. They had eaten and the kids were playing a somewhat vigorous game of snap with Irina. They were great with her, both kind and encouraging. They treated her like a friend, someone who deserved their attention. She was having a wonderful time and had laughed more that night than Wolfgang could ever remember. It was good to see her happy. At least one of them could be.

**You should let her be happy. Let Will be happy. You’re the only thing making them sad now. You should put an end to it now, before you ruin their lives.**

Diego and Maria were chatting animatedly with Will. Quite a lot of the chat had been work gossip and that made Wolfgang feel guilty. He knew how important Will’s job was to him and he knew he hoped to return soon.

**It’s you who’s stopping him. You’re stopping him from living his life. You’ve brought nothing but heartbreak and pain to him. He’d be better off without you.**

Wolfgang got up and slipped out of the back door without saying anything. He felt Will watch him go but nobody said anything. He slipped out of the back door and shut it firmly behind him. He waited a moment, just in case Will did decide to follow him.

No one came, so he took out the flask from his pocket.

**That’s it. Just drink your problems away. Why don’t you go out and find someone to fuck you? That’s all you want, isn’t it? You fucking slut.**

The voice morphed into his father’s. He squeezed his eyes shut, gripping the flask tight. He didn’t want to do this. He didn’t want to be this person anymore.

**But you are. That’s all you are. Just a little queer slut.**

Wolfgang took a good swig of his vodka. It burned his throat and made his belly throb with sickness. But it pushed away that voice and that was all he cared about. Anything to stop that voice.

He put the flask away, then took out his cigarettes. He fumbled with the packet and realised his hands were shaking.

‘Stop it,’ he said to himself. ‘You’re fine.’

‘You sure?’ asked Will.

Wolfgang started and glanced back to see Will standing in the doorway. He was studying him closely.

Wolfgang cleared his throat, glad he’d put the flask away. ‘Yeah, I’m fine.’ He felt for his lighter and took it out. ‘Just desperate for a cigarette.’

Will nodded slowly, watching him as he lit it and took his first drag. He hadn’t had chance to take his mints yet. Would the smoke be enough to disguise the vodka on his breath?

But Will didn’t come any closer. ‘Maybe we should call it a night,’ he said, gently. ‘I know it’s hard for you, meeting new people. We don’t want to push it.’

Wolfgang shrugged, doing his best nonchalant act. ‘I’m fine.’

Will frowned at him. ‘Are you trying to convince me or yourself?’

‘What?’

Will smiled a little, then came out of the house and shut the door behind him. ‘I don’t expect you to be fine. It’s okay not to be fine right now. You don’t need to protect me from your feelings. I can handle anything.’ He reached out to cup Wolfgang’s cheek.

Wolfgang jerked back. If Will was going to kiss him, he’d definitely know he’d been drinking.

He caught the hurt look in his boyfriend’s eyes at the rejection, before Will managed to smooth out his expression.

**If you’re not going to give him anything, don’t expect him to stay with you. He’s only hanging around because he wants to fuck you.**

Wolfgang clenched his jaw and took a step back. ‘I don’t want to get smoke on you,’ he said, though he knew it was too late. He’s already hurt Will.

Will gave him a somewhat forced smile. ‘It’s fine. Come back in when you’ve finished and we’ll say our goodbyes for tonight. No point overdoing it, is there?’

Wolfgang skirted his gaze away. ‘Yeah. Guess not. Mama’s probably tired anyway.’

‘Yeah.’ He smiled. ‘She’s had a good time though. She seems to trust them all already. They’re good people, you know.’

Wolfgang kept his gaze on the ground. ‘Yeah.’

Will put a gentle hand on his arm. ‘I know it’s hard but you can trust them. They’re good people.’

Wolfgang forced himself to smile. ‘’Course. They’re your friends. They must be the best kind of people.’

Will kept his hand on his arm for a moment, then pulled away and slipped inside.

Wolfgang sagged against the wall. The brick scratched his back through his thin jacket. Was there anyone more patient, more accepting, more loving than Will? He really was the best of men. Not that he was faultless, but he was that rare decent human being, someone who genuinely cared about everyone.

**He’s much more than you deserve. He deserves more than a slut.**

Wolfgang stabbed out his cigarette against the brick and took another glug of his vodka. Then he threw a handful of mints into his mouth and went back inside. He could block out the voice with litres of vodka but he couldn't change the fact that it was absolutely right. Will deserved much more than a slut like him.


	15. Chapter 15

Will knew there was something wrong. Wolfgang was good at hiding it but little signs slipped through. He had made the effort to chat with Diego and Maria but when he wasn’t talking, his attention and focus seemed to just drift away and his jaw tensed. Then there was the way he kept slipping out. Will guessed it was to smoke. He always smoked more when he was struggling.

When Will came back into the house after talking to Wolfgang in the garden, he was even more worried. Wolfgang never recoiled from him like that. What was going on with him? Was it just the pressure of having new people around? He was still getting to grips with his therapist and he gathered he hadn’t really started talking to her yet.

So he likely wasn’t talking at all. He was still trying to hold it all in, hold himself together and pretend he was all right. Will knew nobody could keep that up for long.

As he came back into the living room, Diego caught his eye and Will could feel his friend studying him.

‘Hey, Will, why don’t you show me what your plans are for your front garden?’

Will picked up the hint. ‘Yeah, sure.’ He put his hand on Irina’s shoulder. ‘Wolfie will be back in a minute.’

Irina smiled at him. ‘My friends are looking after me.’

He smiled back at her. At least one of them was doing well.

He and Diego went outside. It was getting dark so anyone who was paying attention would have realised this was a set up to talk. Diego sat on the bench in the front garden and Will sat down next to him.

‘I gotta say, man,’ said Diego. ‘You look like absolute shit.’

Will rubbed a hand over his face. ‘I’m just a bit tired.’

‘Tired? You look fucking beat.’ He sighed, then put his arm around his shoulders and gave him a friendly squeeze. ‘Listen, man. I’m your best friend. I know you better than anybody and I know you can’t keep this up forever.’

‘I haven’t got a choice, D. I love Wolfgang and I promised I’d look after him. It won’t be like this forever. He’s going to therapy twice a week. He’s trying so hard to keep himself together. I can’t abandon him.’

‘I’m not asking you to abandon him, Will. But you need to look after yourself too.’

Will leaned back into the comforting strength of Diego’s arm around his shoulders. ‘I know.’ He glanced at him. ‘Wolfgang knows it too. He wants me to go to therapy.’

Diego nodded. ‘Good. That’s good. And hey, if you need some time out, come round to our house. Or call me and we’ll go out for a drink.’

‘I worry about … leaving them alone. Irina can’t be alone for long and Wolfgang … well sometimes he’s erratic.’

Diego frowned, tensing. ‘Erratic? What does that mean? He isn’t violent, is he?’

Will shook his head rapidly. ‘No. I mean, we have arguments and we can both shout but he’d never do anything like that.’

‘Good, ‘cause I’d have to kiss his ass.’

Will smiled. He appreciated his friend’s protective streak but that was one thing he knew Wolfgang would never do. He felt completely safe with him.

‘What about the drinking? Is he getting help for that?’ asked Diego.

Will looked sharply at him. ‘What do you mean? He doesn’t drink anymore. He was on alcohol-free beer.’

Diego raised an eyebrow. ‘Fucking hell, Will, you’re going soft with this time off work. Didn’t you notice how often he sneaked off outside?’

‘He smokes a lot when he’s anxious.’

‘He’s got a flask in his jacket pocket,’ said Diego.

Will felt a sick throb inside. ‘But … that could be anything.’

‘Every time he went outside, his eyes got a little more unfocused. Vodka probably. He was sucking a mint every time he came back in. Does he normally do that when he smokes?’

Will shrugged. ‘Sometimes.’ He bit his lip. ‘He usually cleans his teeth more when he’s been smoking.’ He frowned down at his lap. Could Wolfgang really have started drinking again and he hadn’t noticed? What kind of boyfriend was he? He was probably doing the worst job of looking after his boyfriend in the history of boyfriends. He couldn’t even keep him sober.

Diego squeezed his shoulder. ‘Don’t take it too hard, Will. He’s got a lot of problems. He’s bound to have some relapses. Talk to him about it.’

‘It’s so difficult to get him to talk. He … he just wants to be all right all the time. He doesn’t want me to fuss over him or ask him about therapy or anything. I just feel like he’s shutting me out.’

‘What about you, Will? Aren’t you shutting him out too?’

Will frowned at him. ‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean are you talking to him about your feelings. You went through some shit too. I bet you’re having nightmares and panic attacks.’

Will shrugged.

Diego rubbed his head affectionately. ‘That means yes.’ He tugged him close and kissed the side of his head. ‘Listen, pendejo, if you trust him with your feelings, maybe you can show him it’s okay to trust you with his.’

Will just wanted to turn into his friend and let out all the tears inside, but he didn’t. He just nodded. It sounded so easy but, if he was honest with himself, he was as scared about releasing his own feelings as he was about releasing Wolfgang’s. There was so much anger and pain inside both of them and it had nowhere safe to go.

‘Talking is the only way you’re going to move forward.’

‘I know. It’s just … so fucking hard.’

Diego squeezed his shoulders. ‘I know, Hermano. You know where I am, whenever you need me, don’t you?’

Will allowed himself to lean into his friend for a moment. ‘Yeah, I know.’

Diego patted his back, then let him go. ‘Come on. I think it’s time we headed off, give you some privacy.’

‘Thanks, D,’ said Will, warmly. He had no desire to actually talk to Wolfgang about this but he knew he had to. Diego was right. It wasn’t going to go away on its own.


	16. Chapter 16

As Diego, Maria and the kids said their goodbyes, Will noticed how unfocused Wolfgang seemed. Eye contact was non-existent, and he seemed to need to focus hard on just standing without swaying. How much had he had?

Irina was thrilled to get hugs from the kids and from Maria but Wolfgang stayed back, just watching and didn’t say anything as they left.

Irina sighed, still smiling. ‘Beautiful children,’ she said, once they’d left.

Will smiled at her. ‘They are. They’ll come and see us again soon, I think.’

Irina gave another happy sigh, then took herself and Tilly off to bed. She was clearly delighted with her evening but was also exhausted and would probably have a good sleep. Will was pleased as the conversation he was planning with Wolfgang was probably one Irina could do without being present for.

He waited until Irina was safely in her bedroom. ‘So,’ he said, his heart hammering. ‘How much have you had?’

Wolfgang’s gaze flicked sharply towards him, then away. ‘How much what?’

‘You know what I mean. How much alcohol have you had?’

Wolfgang scoffed. He went to the table and picked up the two low-alcohol beer bottles he’d emptied. ‘About a millilitre in these things.’ He waved the bottles at Will and they clinked together. ‘Low-alcohol, remember? I don’t think I’ll bother with them again. They taste like shit.’

He crossed to the sink, rinsed out the bottles then stood them on the worktop ready to go into the recycling in the morning.

Will bit his lip. He didn’t want to do this. All he wanted to do was ignore this and just take Wolfgang to bed and be close with him. But he couldn’t leave it, for Wolfgang’s sake.

‘And what about the flask in your jacket?’

Wolfgang froze, still facing the wall.

‘What is it? Vodka?’

‘So what if it is?’ asked Wolfgang, his voice deliberately casual.

‘You promised you’d stop drinking. You told me you _had_ stopped. It’s an unhealthy coping mechanism.’

Wolfgang wheeled round and glared at him. ‘An unhealthy coping mechanism? That’s fucking rich coming from Mr I’m fine. Everyone else is falling apart and you’re the only one keeping things together? How is that fucking healthy?’

Will swallowed. ‘It’s not. But somebody’s got to keep it together.’

‘I _am_ fucking keeping it together. You have no idea how much shit is going on in my head. Why do you think I’ve started drinking? It’s the only fucking way I can keep it together, so you don’t have to suffer my shit.’

‘But I want to hear what’s in your head. I want to help you with it. Help you talk about it.’

‘Nobody deserves to hear what’s in my head, Will. Fucking nobody.’

‘I do.’

Wolfgang glared at him for a moment, then looked away. He crossed his arms over his chest. ‘If I start, I’m never going to stop.’ His voice was hard but Will knew the fear underneath it. He felt it too.

This would be the time. This would be the moment to open up to Wolfgang, to tell him some of the things in his head, just like Diego had said. But he couldn’t do it. When he tried, it was as though he were back in the Bogdanow mansion, his face pushed into the carpet by that bastard, and unable to speak.

Wolfgang was looking at him. ‘I should’ve killed him for you, Schatz. Maybe then it would have easier.’

Will shook his head. ‘We’d still have had to deal with this, just the same.’

‘It fucking sucks,’ said Wolfgang.

‘Yeah.’ Will took a step towards Wolfgang and held out his hand. ‘Baby, give me the vodka.’

Wolfgang held his gaze for a moment, then looked away. ‘Even if I give it to you, there’s nothing to stop me getting more.’

‘I know. I just … hope you won’t.’

Wolfgang let out a bitter chuckle. ‘I hope I won’t too. Doesn’t mean I can resist it.’

‘I know.’

Wolfgang sighed heavily, then reached into his jacket and brought out the flask. He looked at it for a moment, then slowly unscrewed the lid and tipped the remains down the sink. Will noted how little was actually left.

‘Thank you,’ he said.

Wolfgang shrugged, putting down the flask on the drainer. He crossed to Will, cupped his cheek and leaned in.

The whiff of vodka wafted over him and Will winced.

 _‘You’re going to need some anaesthetic.’_ Anton’s voice echoed in his mind and he was right back on that floor, pinned beneath that heavy, stinking body.

He dragged himself back to the present and caught the realisation on Wolfgang’s face.

‘I … I remind you of him, don’t I?’ he asked, his voice a croaky whisper.

Will shook his head rapidly. ‘It’s just the smell of the vodka. That’s it.’

Wolfgang pulled back and he was trembling now. Will reached for him. ‘Wolfie, it’s nothing. You’re nothing like him.’

Wolfgang jerked backwards. ‘I- I can’t … Just … I can’t be here right now.’

‘Wolfie, please don’t go anywhere. Let’s just go to bed, baby.’

Wolfgang shook his head rapidly. ‘No, I … I have to go out. I can’t … I can’t put you through this.’

‘You’re not putting me through anything. Baby, please, come on.’ Will was getting desperate. The last thing he wanted was for Wolfgang to go off somewhere.

Wolfgang turned towards the front door and Will followed him. ‘Don’t go, please.’

Wolfgang reached for the door handle. ‘I need some air. I’ll … I’ll come back.’

‘You don’t need to go. I don’t _want_ you to go.’ Will felt his throat get tight as he tried desperately not to cry. ‘Please don’t go.’

Wolfgang stopped to look at him. ‘You deserve not to feel bad like this. I’ll do anything to stop you feeling like that.’ He reached out and touched his cheek with a gentle finger. ‘Stay here, Schatz, where you’re safe.’

Then he opened the door and ran off into the night.

Will stood on the doorstep, staring frozen at the black shape in the darkness that was his boyfriend, until it disappeared past the end of their street. Torn by indecision, he couldn’t move. Irina couldn’t be left, not on her own at night. He had to choose and he knew, out of two of them, Wolfgang could look after himself more than she could. He had his key. As much as Will wanted to dart out after, he knew he couldn’t.

The only thing he could do was hope he would be all right and that he’d come home.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More intrusive thoughts in this chapter and some self-harm.

In the darkness, Wolfgang allowed his tears to fall as he hurried away from the house as fast as he could.

**Little pussy. Did your tears help you when you were a boy? No, they got your ass beat, didn’t they? You soon stopped crying then, didn’t you? When it only gave you more pain.**

Wolfgang slapped his own cheek. ‘Shut up,’ he growled. It was his father’s voice again, harsh and gleeful in his mind. It came to his thoughts so easily, like he was still there, still overpowering him, still hurting him. Why was he so weak? So useless?

**All children are weak and useless. That’s why they need to be made strong. You’re still weak, still a boy. If you were strong, you’d have fought me, instead of just letting it happen.**

Wolfgang dug his nails into the back of his head as though he could dig the thoughts out of his skull.

**You could be strong. That boy. So young and innocent. Take him. Show me you’re strong.**

A wave of nausea swept over him at that thought. _No, I would never do that_. He felt blood under his fingernails but the words kept coming.

**Will already thinks you’re like me. Why don’t you prove it? Prove you are a man.’**

‘I don’t want to do that,’ Wolfgang said, scratching at his arms.

**Do you want to be a man? Like me? Or do you want to be a frightened little queer?**

‘I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to be like you.’

He couldn’t stand this. He needed to stop these words before he went mad. Maybe he was already mad. Why else would he be hearing his father’s words in his head?

He had to make it stop.

Will curled up on the sofa, hugging his knees. His throat and chest hurt from trying not to cry. He didn’t even know why he was holding the tears back now, except that if he let himself go now, he knew he’d just fall apart.

Suddenly, something cold and wet nudged his cheek. He looked up and there was Tilly, looking worriedly at him. He sat up, reached out and stroked her. She pushed her head under his arm, pushed up against his side, huffed and lay down. He hugged her tight to him, buried his face in her warm fur and finally allowed himself to cry.

The noise, flashing lights and the dark anonymity of the club washed over Wolfgang. He was no one here, just another guy, just someone to hook up with. Here, his problems didn’t matter. All that mattered was his body and his looks.

The first thing he did was order a drink. A double shot of vodka. Somewhere in his head, there was a niggle of guilt but he pushed it away, refusing to give it any space in his thoughts. He had to stop that voice.

**You’ll never stop it. I’ll always be with you.**

He knocked back the vodka, then moved off onto the dancefloor. Everything was starting to get a little blurry but he felt good. He knew how to do this. This was easy.

He knew how to spot the right ones. The larger men, the ones getting too close to guys they didn’t know, the ones feeling the others up. He spotted one, a broad man, a little taller than himself. He was average-looking and dark haired with a heavy-set brow and penetrating eyes. As Wolfgang looked at him, he caught his eye and gave him half a smile.

Wolfgang went over. He knew he was attractive. He’d never had any problems getting anyone to fuck him.

He didn’t waste time with dancing or chat. As he reached the man, he put his mouth close to the man’s ear.

‘Want to go outside?’

The man beamed at him. ‘Yeah.’

Wolfgang turned and walked away, knowing the man would follow him outside. He went to the smoking area outside, looking for a place out of sight of other people. The man took his arm and guided him around the back of an open sort of hut for the smokers. Although there were a couple of people in the smoking area, there was no one behind there and it was mostly private.

‘I’m Taylor,’ said the man.

Wolfgang shrugged. He turned to the wall and placed his hands on it. ‘Fuck me,’ he said.

Taylor hesitated. ‘What’s your name?’

Wolfgang glanced at him. ‘Does it matter?’

Taylor shrugged, biting his lip and looking unsure. ‘I don’t know.’

‘It doesn’t. Now are we going to fuck or not?’

Taylor stepped forward and aimed a kiss at his mouth. Wolfgang turned his head so he got his cheek. Taylor kissed his neck, then pushed a hand underneath his shirt to caress his skin.

Wolfgang gritted his teeth in frustration. This wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted to get fucked, hard and painfully. He wanted to be used without care. He didn’t want to be loved anymore. It was too hard.

**Because you know you don’t deserve it.**

He grabbed Taylor’s hands and put them to his waistband. ‘Just fuck me. Get the fuck on with it.’

Taylor pulled back. ‘I don’t think you really want this.’

Wolfgang turned and glared at him. ‘Of course I fucking want this. Why do you think I’ve brought you out here? For a date?’

Taylor pulled a face. ‘Just because it’s a hook up, it doesn’t mean I should treat you like a blow-up doll. You’re a person.’

At those soft, gentle words from this stranger, Wolfgang felt a sob rise up in his throat. He swallowed hard, desperately trying to keep it down.

Taylor frowned. ‘Are you all right? You look kind of out of it. Are you on something?’

Wolfgang couldn’t speak. He shook his head. Taylor looked him up and down. ‘Your arms are bleeding. Do you want … do you need me to take you to a hospital? You don’t look well.’

He reached for him, cupping the back of his head. He touched the wound Wolfgang had scratched in the back of his head and recoiled.

‘What …’ he murmured. ‘Fuck, man, your head is bleeding. You really need to get some help.’ He went to grab Wolfgang’s hand.

Wolfgang felt alarm throb in his chest and he shoved Taylor away from him hard. ‘Fuck you,’ he spat and took off, pushing back through the club and getting as far away as he could. He couldn’t take that much unexpected kindness.

**You don’t deserve it.**


	18. Chapter 18

**You don’t deserve for him to love you. You’re nothing. You’re dirt, filth. Just a body to fuck. That’s all you’ll ever be.**

The words pounded in Wolfgang’s head as he ran from the club. The same vile words spat with venom into his thoughts again and again. It was more than _he_ had ever spoken to him in reality but Wolfgang knew it was all true, every word. Anton had shown him what he was every day of his life. He’d made him this person. He’d fucked him and fucked him up for life.

What was the point anymore? How could he ever be fixed with that voice in his head? He was damaged now, beyond damaged.

**You’re not even worth it. You’re fucked up. Broken. You might as well throw yourself on the scrapheap.**

Wolfgang thought about how easy it would be. Just throw himself in front of a train, step in front of a lorry or chuck himself off a tall building. Or maybe he could get a gun and shoot himself in the head?

But he could see Will’s face as he heard the news. Broken hearted. Devastated. He couldn’t do that to Will. He loved him too much, despite himself. Will loved him too much, despite all the reasons he shouldn’t. Wolfgang didn’t doubt that.

**He’d be better off without you. Your mama’s getting better but you’re not and you never will. You’re the burden to him. He’d be better off if you were dead. He’d get over it.**

_But he wouldn’t understand. I don’t want to hurt him, let him wonder forever. He has to understand why I have to do this. Why I can’t carry on anymore._

He stopped and looked around. Where was he? He felt dizzy suddenly, strange and weak. He was still in town, still with people everywhere. Nobody looked at him.

He needed to get away, to go somewhere to think. He didn’t _want_ to end it all. He wanted to get better. He wanted to be with his new family. He wanted Will and his mama and Tilly. He wanted to be safe and happy. He wanted to be able to talk and not worry what was going to come out of his mouth. He wanted to be able to cuddle with Will and feel totally at peace. He wanted to be able to make love with him and not live in fear that one stray thought would lead him back into that spiral and taint Will’s soft, loving touches.

What he wanted was so simple, so easy for everyone else but it felt so impossible for him.

**It is impossible. You’ll never have that because you don’t deserve it. Just give up now.**

Wolfgang slapped his own cheek again. ‘Shut up, shut up,’ he hissed.

A passer-by stopped and stared at him, like he’d escaped from a psych ward.

Wolfgang glared back at him. ‘Fuck you,’ he spat. ‘Fuck you.’

The man held up his hands in a placating gesture and hurried away.

Wolfgang looked around. He needed to get out of here. He could see a taxi rank up the street. He checked his wallet to make sure he had cash, then made his way up the street to get a taxi. He had to explain. He had to make it stop.

Will didn’t want to go to bed. Time had passed somehow yet he was sure he hadn’t slept. It was nearly one in the morning, yet Wolfgang hadn’t come back. He hadn’t called. Not even a text message.

Will tried calling his phone but there was no answer. He was grateful that Irina hadn’t woken. He’d checked on her a couple of times and had found her still asleep.

Tilly had remained at his side, unfailingly, even following him when he went to the bathroom. He was grateful for her company, as grateful he knew as Wolfgang must have been all that time. At least he hadn’t been alone.

He was alone now. Out there somewhere. Part of him wanted to call the police but he knew that if they found him, Wolfgang would not react well to being approached by strangers, especially cops. It could make things even worse.

He went to the window and looked out, in the vain hope that he would see Wolfgang walking down the street towards him but outside it was dark, quiet and still. Where was Wolfie? What was he doing at this time of night? Was he safe? Was he drinking?

It was so hard to understand what his boyfriend was thinking. He just wouldn’t open up to him. Not for the first time, he wished he had some sort of telepathic connection with him. At least then he’d know if was okay.

‘Of course he’s not okay,’ muttered Will. ‘He’s falling apart and I can’t do anything to help. Oh, where is he?’

Tilly cocked her head at him, then licked his hand reassuringly. He fussed her, stroking her on the top of her head and scratching her ears.

‘Oh, Wolfie, what are you doing?’

A sick feeling throbbed in his stomach as he remembered Wolfgang’s old coping methods. Drink and rough sex.

‘Please, no,’ he murmured. It wasn’t just the idea of Wolfgang’s cheating on him that made him feel sick, it was the damage he might do to himself. Either physically if whoever he picked wasn’t a decent guy, or emotionally. Forcing himself to relive what had been done to him? That wasn’t the healthiest thing he could do. In fact, it was likely to put him back in his recovery, if further back was even possible. Adding more trauma to the layers and layers of it which already existed inside him.

The shrill call of his phone jerked him out of his train of thought, and he scrambled for it from his pocket, hoping that Wolfgang was finally calling, asking him to come and get him. He’d have to get Diego to come and sit with Irina but he would do it. He’d do anything to make sure Wolfgang was safe.

But it wasn’t Wolfgang’s number.

He frowned at the display for a second. Why the hell was he calling him at this time of night? He answered the phone. 


	19. Chapter 19

The taxi dropped Wolfgang outside the address he had asked for and sped off into the darkness. Wolfgang had no idea what amount of money he’d said but he’d seemed satisfied with the cash he’d distractedly given him. Or maybe he was just happy to get him out of his cab.

Wolfgang knew he must look like shit. He felt like shit. Weak and dizzy and he swayed as he got out of the cab. How much had he had to drink?

The world spun as he staggered to the door and knocked. He had to use all his strength to stay standing. By the time the door opened, his focus had slipped and he felt his body begin to follow it.

Strong arms caught him and an immediate feeling of safety enveloped him.

‘Woah, Wolfgang, I’ve got you.’

He was guided inside the house and he heard the door shut behind him. Relief swept over him even as his head swam with dizziness. He could feel blood trickling down his head and his hand hurt. He thought he remembered falling on the way to the taxi but he was so dizzy he couldn’t think.

‘All right, let’s get you sat down.’ The voice drifted over him. He knew the voice. He’d come here to explain but he couldn’t make his head stop spinning.

He felt the sofa against the back of his knees and he dropped onto it.

‘You look a state. Let me get Willie.’

Wolfgang grabbed for the arms as they pulled away. His vision cleared as he looked up into the face of Michael Gorski. ‘No, don’t,’ he gasped. ‘I can’t … I can’t see him. I’ve got to explain to you and you can tell him.’

Michael frowned at him, then crouched down and looked into his face. ‘What’s going on?’ His gaze raked over him, taking in everything. ‘You’re bleeding.’ He stood up. ‘Stay there, I’ll get something to clean you up.’

Wolfgang held onto his arm. ‘Don’t call Will.’

‘I’m not going to call Will until you say I can. Stay there.’

He pulled away and Wolfgang listened to his footsteps. Now he’d got Michael to understand about Will, the adrenaline of urgency faded away and he sagged back into the sofa and allowed his eyes to close.

A few seconds later, he felt a cold cloth on his cheek. He didn’t object, just sat there as Michael slowly and carefully cleaned him up.

‘Looks like you’ve been through a lot tonight. Have you been in a fight?’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘I think I fell. I’ve had a couple of drinks.’

‘Looks like you’ve been in a fight. Your arms are all scratched up.’

‘I did that to myself.’

‘Therapy not working, huh?’

Wolfgang glanced into that broad, friendly face. Like Will, but not. Enough like him that he trusted him, different enough that he felt able to talk.

‘I can’t talk to her. I can’t say the things I need to say. She can’t … she can’t fix me. No one can fix me.’ He squeezed his eyes shut. ‘You have to explain. You have to tell him. if ... if he understands it won’t be as hard for him.’

‘Explain what?’

‘Why I can’t do this anymore,’ said Wolfgang. Surely that was obvious. Michael understood, of course. He must have seen all sorts of people who were too far gone to be fixed. He must have known people who’d been able to face up to the fact that they couldn’t be fixed.

He forced his eyes open and looked at Michael. ‘I thought a train but I don’t want to fuck up the driver. Or … for Will to have to identify me. Maybe I could jump into Lake Michigan. If I get drunk enough, it wouldn’t even be that cold.’

Michael looked hard at him. ‘And you think that’s what Will wants?’

Wolfgang shook his head rapidly. ‘No. But it’s too late. I can’t … can’t be fixed. I’m too fucked up. He fucked me and fucked me up.’

He caught the flicker of understanding in Michael’s face but, apart from that small sign, he kept his expression neutral. No shock. Wolfgang wanted there to be shock. He wanted Michael to recoil from him, to show his revulsion. He wanted to _see_ the disgust he knew other people would feel about him, the disgust he felt about himself.

But he couldn’t see any of that in Michael, just that mild look of understanding. Then he sat down next to Wolfgang.

‘Since when?’ he asked, gently.

‘Since I was twelve,’ Wolfgang found himself admitting.

Michael nodded slowly. ‘You’ve lived with this for a long time.’

‘Had no choice.’

‘And you’ve got no choice now either,’ said Michael firmly.

‘I could do it,’ said Wolfgang. He meant it to sound firm but, even to his ears, it sounded petulant.

Michael put a hand on his shoulder. ‘You haven’t got a choice because you know Will needs you. He loves you, so you need to stay alive for him. That’ll have to be enough for now.’

Wolfgang frowned at him. ‘Aren’t you supposed to tell me how much I’ve got to live for.’

‘You have got a lot to live for but you can’t see that right now. So if an obligation to Will is the only thing keeping you alive then that’s fine. All that other stuff will come.’

‘I’m not sure I can believe that.’

Michael patted his shoulder. ‘I know.’ He stood up. ‘Can I make you some coffee? And then I think we should call Will. He must be worried about you.’

Wolfgang curled up on the sofa and pulled the throw from the back of the sofa. ‘Yeah,’ he agreed, before tugging the blanket around himself and closing his eyes.

He listened to the beeps of Michael’s phone as he dialled Will’s number, then his gruff, reassuring voice.

‘Willie, you need to come over. Wolfgang’s here.’

He closed his eyes. Will was coming. Soon, he would be wrapped in Will’s arms and he could feel safe. Everything felt so fuzzy and now he couldn’t even remember why he’d run away in the first place. None of that mattered now. Will was coming. 


	20. Chapter 20

Will’s heart hammered in his chest as he drove over to his dad’s place. He’d had to call Diego and, although his friend had been grumpy to be woken in the middle of the night, he agreed it was the right thing to do. Since Irina was still a little nervous about men in general, Maria came over to sit in the house in case she woke.

He’d hesitated over Tilly, then decided to bring her with him, in the hope that she would help to calm Wolfgang, as well as for the sake of his own sanity. By how closely she had followed him out to the car, he was pretty sure she wouldn’t have let him go without her anyway.

His dad’s place was the last place he’d expected Wolfgang to have gone. A club, yes. Or doing something to get arrested, ending up with Will getting a call from the police station.

He tried not to picture what condition Wolfgang would be in. His dad had used the word ‘state’ so Will guessed he’d had quite a bit more to drink. Maybe he wasn’t even conscious.

The street was dark and quiet when he climbed out of the car. He unclipped Tilly from the seatbelt and she jumped out after him. He held onto her lead, even though he knew she wouldn’t leave his side. It comforted him to hold onto something. He locked the car, then walked up to his dad’s front door and knocked softly.

The door opened almost immediately and his dad murmured to him in a low voice. ‘Come in. He’s asleep.’

Will stepped inside and looked around for Wolfgang. There he was, fast asleep on the sofa, huddled with the blanket wrapped around him. For a moment, he just stared at him. There was a cut on his forehead and a bruise on his cheek. His arms were covered in scratches.

‘Shit, what happened to him? Did he get in a fight?’

His dad shrugged. ‘He said he did it to himself. I cleaned him up best I could but a bath would probably do him some good.’

Tilly was straining to get free, to see Wolfgang so Will let her go before turning to his dad. ‘Did he say anything? We had an argument about his drinking and he just ran off.’

He watched Tilly jump up beside Wolfgang and lie against him. 

His dad turned to look at him. He frowned, hesitating for a moment before he gripped Will’s shoulder firmly. ‘Will, he’s suicidal.’

The word was like a gut punch and he felt a wave of nausea wash over him. ‘He … he is?’

Michael nodded. ‘Yeah, but a big part of him is desperate to get better. He just doesn’t think he can be fixed.’

‘Of course he can get better! He just has to start talking.’

His dad squeezed his shoulder. ‘It’s not as easy as that. Just starting to talk is a big hurdle for him. I don’t think he can do it alone.’

‘What am I supposed to do? I’ve got him going to therapy but he won’t talk to her. He won’t talk to me.’

Michael bit his lip, glancing at Wolfgang before looking back at his son. ‘I can’t claim to know him very well but it seems like he’s not really used to putting himself out there or being able to make his own decisions. All he could do was put up with what happened to him, giving as little of himself as he could. That’s carrying on now.’

‘What do I do, Dad?’ Will asked, desperate for some answers. There had to be some answers.

‘There are no easy answers to this, Willie. But I think maybe you should try going to therapy with him. Maybe that would help you both.’

‘You think that would help?’

‘It’s worth a shot. You’ve got to work out how to deal with this together. He trusts you. Use that.’

Will nodded. He took a deep breath, then walked over to Wolfgang. He sat down beside him and reached out to gently touch his cheek.

‘Baby, it’s me, Will. I think we need to go home now.’

Will’s voice came to him out of the dark quiet of his deep sleep. He stirred, turning into the soft touch of his hand.

‘Will,’ he murmured.

Will caressed his cheek with one finger. ‘I’m here. Tilly’s here too. Can you feel her?’

Wolfgang put his hand out and felt the rough wetness of Tilly’s tongue on his skin. He reached for her, sinking his fingers into her thick fur.

‘Am I … still alive?’ he asked.

Will laid a tender kiss on his forehead. ‘You’re still alive. Can you open your eyes for me?’

Wolfgang opened his eyes and looked into Will’s face. His brow was knit together in worry and his blue eyes were wet with unshed tears.

‘Michael said you’d be worried.’ He glanced behind Will at his dad, expecting to find a stern frown but Michael’s expression was calm and still. ‘I’m sorry I’ve caused all this trouble.’

‘No trouble at all. Feel free to turn up here anytime.’ He smiled. ‘Though it might be better to let Will know you’re safe next time you go running off into the night.’

Wolfgang looked back at Will. ‘I’m sorry.’

Will traced his cheek where he’d slapped himself and Wolfgang wondered if there was a mark.

‘I’m just glad you’re safe.’

Wolfgang turned into Tilly and wrapped his arms around her. She was warm and soft and solid in his embrace and he felt calmer with her there. ‘Can we go home now?’ he asked, in a small voice. He felt young and vulnerable and he wasn’t sure he liked it. But he knew he was safe.

Will helped him stand and Wolfgang had to fight a wave of dizziness. But it wasn’t as bad as it had been before and he was able to walk to the car quite easily.

He got into the passenger seat and Tilly sat down in the footwell, not wanting to leave his side. She rested her head on his thigh and he held onto her tightly. He glanced at Will as he exchanged a few words with his dad on the doorstep. How mad was he really? How disappointed? He could handle mad. He could handle anger, whether hot or cold. He could handle punishment. But disappointment? That he couldn’t handle. Not from Will.

He realised he still had Michael’s throw wrapped around him but Michael had already shut the door and Will was walking across to the car so it seemed too late. Will looked at him and gave him a somewhat tight smile.

Wolfgang didn’t want to see anymore. He pulled the blanket up over his head and closed his eyes tight. He didn’t want to do this anymore.


	21. Chapter 21

‘You still breathing in there?’ Will asked, once they’d been driving for a couple of minutes.

Wolfgang opened his eyes and looked at the pattern on the blanket. He could only just see it by the streetlights shining through the knitted yarn. ‘Yeah,’ he replied, debating whether to emerge or not.

‘Why don’t you just pop your head up so I know you’re not a pod person?’ said Will. His voice was light but it sounded somewhat of a strain. He didn’t sound like he was about to shout.

Wolfgang tugged the blanket down a little and tucked it under his chin. He looked out of the window for a minute. The streets were quiet, except for the odd train rumbling past in the distance. That was one thing about Chicago he was getting used to. There always seemed to be a train passing nearby.

‘I didn’t mean to steal your dad’s blanket.’

Will shrugged. ‘He doesn’t mind. I’ll take it back tomorrow.’ He frowned. ‘Or later today, rather. It doesn’t seem like a night has passed.’

Wolfgang looked at him. ‘Did you sleep?’

Will glanced at him and Wolfgang could see the worry in his eyes. ‘Of course not,’ he said, gently. ‘I was too worried about you. Oh, Maria’s at our place. I thought it was best not to leave Irina on her own.’

‘Is she awake?’

‘She wasn’t when I left. Hopefully she’ll have just stayed asleep through it.’ He glanced at him again. ‘How much more did you drink, baby?’

‘I don’t … remember.’

‘Okay, let’s not worry about that. You do look a state though. I was thinking about running you a bath before we go to bed. Might make you feel a bit better.’

‘Yeah,’ said Wolfgang. He extracted his arms from the blanket and felt for Tilly. He needed her comfort. Will didn’t sound angry, or disappointed. Just … worried. But still the knot of anxiety wouldn’t leave Wolfgang’s belly. He didn’t know what ordinary people did when they were angry. He didn’t know what Will was going to do.

Every time his mama had run away from his father, he’d beaten her and raped her. Each time he’d made sure she was punished severely. Each time Wolfgang had run away, he’d got the same, until they’d both learned there was no point in running away.

Logically, Wolfgang knew Will wouldn’t do that. But he couldn’t stop the fear about it. He couldn’t stop imagining it because he had no idea what Will might do instead. Especially when he found out he’d nearly cheated on him.

What was he going to do? Yell at him? Hit him? Ignore him? Maybe he’d stop being patient with him about the sex thing. Maybe he’d start pushing it, because he knew Wolfgang could do it with other people.

Whatever he would do, Wolfgang couldn’t shy away from it. He would have to confess, in full what he’d done. Will deserved that.

Then Wolfgang would have to take his punishment. _Please don’t be too bad._

Will pulled the car into the drive and got out. Wolfgang hadn’t said much to him. He didn’t seem drunk anymore, just a bit out of it and anxious.

As he walked round to Wolfgang’s side to help him out, he looked closely at his boyfriend. His gaze wasn’t unfocused, so that was a good sign. He’d been asleep and woke up fine. He wasn’t talking nonsense. He most likely didn’t have concussion, though Will was worried about the graze on his forehead. He’d also noticed the back of his head seemed sore and a little swollen. Had he fallen more than once?

But he walked steadily enough as they made their way into the house with Tilly following close by.

Maria stood up when they walked in. Her gaze swept over Wolfgang but she didn’t pry. She gave them a friendly smile.

‘There’s not been a peep from Irina. I checked on her just in case but she’s fast asleep.’

Will nodded. ‘Thanks, Maria.’

Her gaze lingered on Wolfgang for a moment, before she met Will’s eyes again. ‘Is he all right?’

‘He’ll be fine. He’s just had a rough night.’

‘I’ll give you some privacy.’ She picked up her handbag and crossed to Will. She placed a hand on his arm. ‘Take care, sweetheart. You know where we are if you need us.’

Will smiled, gripping her hand for a moment. ‘I know. Thank you.’

She let herself out and Will turned his attention to Wolfgang. He was holding himself stiff and he seemed deep in thought.

‘Come on, baby, let’s get you in the bath, then we can go to bed.’

Wolfgang blinked and looked hard at him, clearly trying to read him. ‘Are you … are you mad?’

Will shook his head. ‘I’m just relieved you’re okay.’ He hesitated. ‘Though, it’d be really great if you didn’t do that again,’ he said, with a slight smile. ‘I’m not sure my heart can take it.’

Finally, Wolfgang smiled a little and a little of the tension seemed to go out of him. Will tugged him gently and led him to the bathroom.

The bath was a decent size and took a while to fill. Will put lavender bubble bath in, hoping it would help Wolfgang relax. It was a slow job getting him undressed and he winced several times as he became aware of the scratches on his arms and at the back of his head. He remembered what his dad had said about them. _He said he did it to himself_.

He wanted to ask but he didn’t. He didn’t know whether that was because he didn’t want to upset Wolfgang, or whether he couldn’t bear to know.

Finally, Wolfgang was stepping into the bath and sinking into the water. Tilly positioned herself next to the bath, watching Wolfgang intently.

Wolfgang went to lie back but suddenly looked at Will, with a frown. His gaze seemed much more focused now and even intense.

‘Are you really not mad?’

The way he asked was almost like a challenge. Like he needed to be on the defence until he knew for sure. What did he think would happen if Will were mad?

‘What do you think would happen if I were mad, baby?’

Wolfgang shrugged, averting his gaze. ‘I dunno. Something bad.’ Despite the nonchalant attitude, his voice trembled a little on that last sentence.

Will reached out and touched his hand. ‘Baby, I promise, even if I were mad, nothing bad would happen.’ He smiled. ‘I might curse a bit or stomp around but that’s it.’ He reached up and stroked his cheek. ‘I’d never hurt you, Baby. I promise.’

Wolfgang held his gaze for a moment, then gave a small smile and settled back into the water and closed his eyes. The tension drained from his body and he looked just like anybody else enjoying a relaxing bath.

Will watched him, captivated by the rare sight of Wolfgang completely at peace and utterly relaxed and calm.


	22. Chapter 22

_‘I’d never hurt you, Baby. I promise.’_

Will’s words echoed in Wolfgang’s mind as he allowed the steaming hot water to soothe away the aches and pains in his body. _I’d never hurt you_. The words were as soothing as the heat of the water. Will would never hurt him.

He felt Will’s hand against his arm, trailing a handful of the hot water across his skin. The gentle touch soothed the vicious scratches on his forearm. Wolfgang winced as he remembered doing it. The back of his head hurt too and he remembered scrabbling desperately at his skull, as though he could scrape the thoughts right out of his head.

Now sober, or less drunk than he had been anyway, he knew he hadn’t been thinking straight. But he still knew that he didn’t deserve Will and he knew he was broken and he couldn’t be fixed.

He opened his eyes and looked across at his boyfriend. Will wasn’t looking at his face. He was looking at the scratches on his arms as he scooped water in his hand and poured it over the wounds over and over again.

‘Will, I need to tell you something,’ he said.

Will looked up. ‘What?’

Wolfgang took a deep breath, then sat up in the bath and reached out to Tilly. He lay his hand on her head before he started to speak, aware that Will was watching him intently.

‘I … when I ran away, I went to a club. I just wanted to … forget everything. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to be able to push it all away the way I used to. It’s like I’ve forgotten how. I just wanted … that empty pleasure.’

‘What happened?’ asked Will in a hoarse voice. ‘Did … did someone hurt you?’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘No. I picked up this guy and …’ He let out a breath. ‘Lucky for me, he was a nice guy.’ He glanced at Will. ‘He worked out I wasn’t really into it and put a stop to it before anything happened. He even saw I was hurt and tried to get me help.’ He frowned. ‘I think I ran away from him too.’

‘You don’t remember?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘It’s a bit of a blur. I was a bit out of it.’

Will nodded. ‘Yeah, I noticed.’ He looked down at his hands, now gripping the edge of the bath.

Wolfgang looked at him, waiting until Will’s gaze lifted to meet his. ‘If you want to break up, you don’t need to worry about me. I’ll be all right. I could go back to Berlin now they’re all in prison. I’m sure Lila would put me up.’

Will stared at him, his mouth falling open. Then he gathered himself together. ‘I don’t want to break up, Wolfie. Not ever.’

Wolfgang stared at him, bewildered. ‘But … I’m broken.’

Will reached out and cupped his jaw gently. He looked into his face, his gaze intense. ‘I know exactly how broken you are, baby, and I want to be with you, even if you never get any better.’

Wolfgang hadn’t known it until that moment, but that was exactly what he’d been waiting for. No denials, no positive spin. He was broken and he knew it. But now that he knew Will knew it and still wanted him … well, it didn’t seem to matter as much anymore.

Will saw the moment something changed in Wolfgang. His shoulders lost that last bit of tension and there was a light in his eyes, a light he remembered from long ago. He smiled a little. Then he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss on Will’s mouth.

‘Get in with me,’ he murmured, gazing at him.

‘In the bath?’

Wolfgang laughed softly. ‘Yeah. I want to be close with you.’

Will waited a moment, giving him chance to change his mind. But Wolfgang just smiled at him expectantly. Will pulled back and undressed. He felt nervous and he wasn’t sure why. He realised he’d been avoiding being naked around Wolfgang lately, not wanting to pressure him in anyway.

But this was obviously what Wolfgang wanted, maybe what he needed.

He climbed into the bath and sat opposite Wolfgang, waiting for him to set the pace. Wolfgang reached for him, finding his hand in the water and tugging him closer. A smile, a real smile graced that beautiful face.

_Will feels like he can’t breathe as Wolfgang brings him close, so close. His dick is hard and he half wishes it wasn’t because he doesn’t want to scare Wolfgang away._

_But Wolfgang doesn’t look scared. His hands settle on Will’s waist, his legs either side of his, as their lips meet. The kiss is soft and sweet, but only at first. Wolfgang is the one who deepens it, parting Will’s lips with his tongue and slipping inside to taste him._

_Will is holding his breath and his heart hammers in his chest. He wants to reach out and touch Wolfgang but he’s afraid. It’s like they’re under a spell and he doesn’t want to break it, doesn’t want this moment to come to an abrupt halt, like so many moments before._

_Wolfgang breaks the kiss, but only to scatter kisses across his jaw, light and gently arousing. He reaches his ear, sucks on his earlobe, grazes his teeth against it._

_Then his breath is hot against Will’s ear and his whisper tickles. ‘Touch me, Will.’_

_Will swallows, battling between the pulsing hot desire coursing through his veins, and the fear that this moment will shatter and the pain will surge back into their minds._

_Wolfgang takes his hand and guides it forward, placing it on his own hip. Will leaves it there, smoothing his thumb across the skin._

_But Wolfgang isn’t satisfied with that. He wants more. He tugs Will’s hips, pulling him forward. Will doesn’t know how but he finds himself on top of his boyfriend, their bodies pressed against each other and their gazes locked together. Their breath is hot on each other’s faces and nothing else exists except the two of them._

_The water holds them as their mouths meet in another kiss. They take their time, making out like teenagers, like they have all the time in the world. They do. They have all the time they need to fix each other._

_Wolfgang starts to move first, pushing up into Will so he can feel his hard-on against his thigh. Someone shifts a little and their cocks are pressing together, straining for more of each other. They could be floating in space, or in water so deep that it is all around them. It holds them together, supporting them as they move together._

_Their soft gasps and moans fill the air and Will can feel nothing but Wolfgang as they topple into their orgasms as one._

Will found himself laughing in surprise as Wolfgang tugged him close into his shoulder afterwards.

‘I didn’t expect that,’ he said.

Wolfgang’s fingers play through his hair, combing the wet strands in patterns. His fingertips feel good against Will’s skull. ‘I just went with what I wanted.’

Will smiled at him and kissed him. ‘Sounds like a good way to operate to me.’

Wolfgang looked back at him for a moment, then smiled. ‘Depends which bit of me is wanting it. My head or my heart.’

Will kissed his own fingers and placed them on Wolfgang’s chest, above his heart. ‘Always trust your heart.’

He glanced around the bathroom. ‘Where did Tilly go?’

Wolfgang shrugged, then smiled. ‘I guess she knows when I don’t need her.’ He leaned into Will’s shoulder for a moment, then let out a little whimper. ‘I’m so tired suddenly.’

Will, much as he was enjoying the cuddle, knew it was time for bed. He got to his feet and helped Wolfgang out. He let the plug out and they rinsed off with the shower attachment before they climbed out of the bath and reached for the towels warming on the heated towel rail.

‘I think it’s time for bed,’ Will said, as they wrapped the towels around themselves and left the bathroom. 

Wolfgang yawned. ‘Mama will be getting up soon.’

‘Don’t worry. I’ll get up with her when she does.’

Wolfgang pulled a face. ‘But I want you to stay in bed with me.’

Will laughed. ‘Well, luckily, it’s Irina’s therapy today so once she’s sorted, I’m going to come right back to you.’

‘Can we sleep all day?’ asked Wolfgang, yawning again as they got into the bedroom.

Will smiled. ‘I think we both need a good sleep. And then we’re going to have a talk.’

Wolfgang’s face fell. ‘What about?’

‘About your therapy and how we’re going to make it work for you. Because you don’t have to stay broken, Wolfie. You can get better. We just need to figure out how best to get you there.’

Wolfgang watched him for a moment, then nodded. He didn’t smile but he seemed to understand. ‘It’s hard,’ he said.

Will nodded and kissed him. ‘I know.’

Wolfgang took a deep breath, then threw off his towel and climbed into bed. Will laughed and copied him. There were times to worry about picking up and keeping things tidy but the moment when his sleepy, snuggly boyfriend was waiting naked in bed for him was time for nothing but joining him.

As Will got into bed and pulled the cover over them, Wolfgang wrapped his arms around Will and held tight. Like that, with Wolfgang’s head on his shoulder and their arms around each other, they went almost straight to sleep and Will was confident that, tonight, the nightmares would stay away for both of them.


	23. Chapter 23

Wolfgang woke to find himself alone. He stared up at the ceiling, trying to banish the feeling of fingers he despised creeping across his skin.

He squeezed his eyes shut but that didn’t help. He saw a flash of his father’s face in the darkness behind his eyelids.

He opened his eyes quick and sat up. He had to ground himself, remind himself where he was. He looked around, looking for something that was just of this time and place. There, one of Will’s tank tops on the chair, his jeans folded up next to it. His hoodie was hanging up on the back of the door. The towels they’d chucked on the floor the night before were now sticking out of the top of the laundry basket.

He looked at Will’s nightstand. His wireless charging alarm clock read 12:45 and his book lay next to it, with the bookmark in about halfway. He knew Will liked to read if he woke up with a nightmare. He was in their house, in their bedroom and he was completely safe.

But his heart was still racing. Where was Will? He wrestled with himself. He wanted to go find him, get a hug to make himself feel better. But the thought of being seen as week still frightened him.

His skin crawled as he felt the creeping feeling again. Not allowing himself to think about it, he got up, pulled on some sweatpants, a t-shirt and Will’s hoodie and left the room.

The moment he got out of the bedroom, he could hear Will moving around in the kitchen. He could tell it was him because he was singing, in a low quiet voice, humming over the words he couldn’t remember.

‘Someday you will be loved,’ he sang. ‘I cannot pretend that I felt any regret. ‘Cause each broken heart will eventually mend.’

Wolfgang rounded the corner and stopped, watching his boyfriend. He drew his hands up the sleeves of the hoodie and tugged the collar up over his mouth.

Will seemed to sense him because he stopped and turned. He smiled. ‘Hey. I was just sorting out some breakfast.’ He chuckled. ‘Or lunch I guess.’

When Wolfgang didn’t reply, Will frowned. ‘You all right, baby?’

Wolfgang hesitated, feeling his jaw clench. He didn’t want to explain what he’d been remembering but he did need a hug, the kind of close cuddle only Will could give him.

But Will seemed to know what he needed. He put down the jug he was holding and came straight over to Wolfgang. He reached for him and tugged him close. Wolfgang buried his face in Will’s shoulder, holding tight to him. Will held him tight and close and he felt completely safe in his embrace, breathing in his fresh, clean scent.

‘I could feel his hands on me,’ Wolfgang found himself saying.

Will tensed but then Wolfgang felt him force himself to relax. ‘A nightmare?’

Wolfgang glanced at him and shook his head. Then he buried his face back in Will’s shoulder. It was easier to speak without looking at him. ‘A memory. Sometimes it wasn’t about pain. When he was drunk, it was like he thought we were lovers. I think that was worse than the pain.’

Will didn’t say anything, just held him. Wolfgang let himself sink into the embrace for a moment, then he stood up straight and looked at Will.

‘He used to give me alcohol. Vodka usually or brandy or whiskey. Since … since the first time. It helped to not … feel it so much.’ He sighed. ‘I guess … that’s still my first instinct.’

‘That’s understandable,’ said Will, in that calm, understanding voice of his.

Wolfgang looked at him. ‘There’re a lot of levels of fucked up behaviour and thinking in me, Will. If you want to back out…’

‘I’ve told you, I don’t.’

Wolfgang held up his hand. ‘I know, but I’m just saying if you have any doubts, I’d rather you get out now because … if I’m going to do this … I’d rather know if I can lean on you or not.’

Will looked at him for a moment, studying him. Then he smiled a little. ‘You can lean on me, Wolfgang. I promise. I’m not going anywhere.’ He looked sideways at him. ‘So you’re going to talk, at therapy then?’

Wolfgang took a deep breath. ‘I’m going to try. It’s not easy though and I don’t know if I can really do it.’

‘My dad thinks we should go together.’

Wolfgang pulled away and sat at the kitchen table. Will went back to the jug and started beating whatever was inside.

‘What are you making?’ Wolfgang asked.

‘Waffles,’ said Will, with a grin.

Wolfgang smiled back at him. ‘Good, I like waffles.’

Will laughed. ‘I know you do.’

Wolfgang sighed. ‘Did you tell your dad what happened to you in Berlin?’ he asked casually.

Will focused very hard on what he was doing. ‘No.’ He sighed, impatiently and slammed the jug down. ‘He probably knows already. It’s probably fucking obvious to everybody.’

Wolfgang watched him. ‘Who are you angry with, Will?’ he said, evenly.

Will looked back at him, his mouth falling open for a moment. Then he frowned. ‘Me, I guess.’

‘I’ve spent a lot of time being angry. It doesn’t help. Not that I’ve found anything that really does help.’ He stopped and met Will’s gaze, holding it. ‘No, I have found something that helps.’

‘What?’

‘You.’ He stood up, crossed to Will and kissed him. ‘You help me so much, Süßer.’ He traced his finger across Will’s cheek. ‘Maybe your dad’s right. Maybe we can help each other.’ He smiled. ‘Isn’t that what boyfriends are supposed to do, not that I have much experience in relationships.’

Will smiled back at him, the tension slipping out of his shoulders. ‘Yeah, we can help each other.’ He hugged Wolfgang again, holding tight to him. Wolfgang held him back for a moment, then pulled away and pushed Will lightly. ‘Get on with those waffles. I’m fucking starving.’

Will grinned at him, then returned to the jug of batter and got on with making them some food.


	24. Chapter 24

A few days later, the two of them entered the therapist’s waiting room a few minutes before their first joint appointment. Once the door shut behind them, Wolfgang let Tilly off the lead and she immediately trotted over to the receptionist for a fuss. Will glanced at Wolfgang and saw him smile as the receptionist broke off a piece of her banana and fed it to the dog.

He’d been fairly relaxed on the way here but now that the session was about to happen, Will felt his heart begin to race and bile rise in his throat. He had no idea how this was going to go.

If Wolfgang would talk, then maybe he could just focus on helping him and push his own feelings aside again. That would be fine. He could do that. Unfortunately, he knew that they were both as good as each other at ignoring their feelings.

Will sat down, crossing his legs to stop them shaking. It didn’t really work.

Wolfgang didn’t sit. Instead he paced, up and down, up and down endlessly. Will watched his fists clench and unclench, then he started dragging his nails through his hair. Then he crossed his arm and started scratching his skin.

Will stopped him then, just reaching out and catching hold of his hand and giving him a warning look, softened by a gentle smile.

With a big sigh, Wolfgang sat down on the sofa beside Will. ‘Hier, Tilly,’ he said.

Tilly came straight over, sitting between Wolfgang’s knees. Wolfgang buried his hands in her fur, holding on tight.

Will reached out and lay his hand on top of his boyfriend’s. Tilly’s fur was soft against his skin and he could feel her warmth. He understood why she was a comfort to Wolfgang.

‘Just talk,’ he murmured. ‘Just let out whatever is in your head.’

Wolfgang didn’t look at him, just nodded slowly.

Finally, they were called inside. Heather was as friendly as usual and welcomed them in with one of her soft smiles. Will felt awkward as he sat on the couch next to Wolfgang, like he wasn’t supposed to be here.

‘Since this is your first shared session, shall we have a little talk about what led you to decide to come in together?’ asked Heather.

Wolfgang glanced at Will and frowned. ‘It was his dad’s idea. I think he knows Will isn’t getting the support he needs from me.’

Will opened his mouth to object, then closed it again. How did he say that he didn’t want support? That he was doing fine. He just wanted to support Wolfgang.

Heather looked at him. ‘What do you think about that, Will?’

Will shrugged. ‘I’m fine. I just want Wolfgang to start recovering. He needs to talk about what happened and he needs to find healthy ways to cope. Then we’ll be fine.’

‘And what about you, Will? How are you coping?’

Will shrugged. ‘The job I do comes with risk. I’m used to that and I just want to move on now.’

Wolfgang gave a bitter laugh. ‘At least I know I’m fucked up, Will.’

Will felt sudden anger rise in his chest and before he could stop himself, he shouted out. ‘I’m not fucked up!’

Wolfgang, infuriatingly, just raised an eyebrow at him and Will floundered. ‘I … I … this thing just happened and now I’ve got to get over it so I can help you.’

Wolfgang studied him for a long moment, then looked at Heather. ‘I guess he and I have the same problem. We don’t want to admit what’s wrong because we want to be strong for each other.’

Heather gave them a smile. ‘Because you love each other.’

They nodded.

‘I think,’ Heather continued, in a calm and measured voice. ‘That in order to be strong for each other, you must first allow yourselves to be vulnerable. That means being honest and open about what happened to you.’

‘We already know what happened,’ said Will, shortly.

‘You think saying it out loud will make any difference?’ asked Wolfgang, still with an edge to his voice, yet Will felt that it was a genuine question.

‘I do,’ said Heather.

‘I’ve said it before. Sort of. To Will, back in Berlin.’

Will glanced at him. ‘You didn’t. Not really. You just sort of implied it and let me get there on my own. Maybe … maybe it really would help if you said it.’

Wolfgang just frowned at him and stayed silent. He focused on his hands, twisting in his lap, then he grasped hold of Tilly again, leaning forward to bury his face in her fur. She licked his ear.

‘Would it … help if I went first?’ asked Will.

Wolfgang shook his head but didn’t emerge just yet. Will glanced at Heather, who gave him a small smile. They just waited.

After what seemed like an age, Wolfgang raised his head and took a deep breath. ‘My father is a rapist,’ he said, in a calm, almost detached voice. ‘He doesn’t care who his victims are, as long as he can overpower them.’ He closed his eyes, squeezing them shut tightly. ‘He raped me nearly every day of my life from the age of twelve.’ He opened his eyes and looked at Heather. ‘I don’t know if he did anything to me younger. I don’t remember. Except … I don’t remember him not being violent. I don’t remember the first time he used his belt on me.’

He leaned back against the sofa. ‘I don’t feel any better yet.’

‘You already look less tense,’ Heather said, gently.

He looked at her. ‘You’re not shocked.’

‘You want people to be shocked because that takes the attention from you. I’m not shocked, Wolfgang, and the attention is firmly on you, because you need it to be.’

He looked away and Will could see his jaw working. ‘I’ve got through it. All these years and I’ve survived what he did. Every day, I’ve had to fight but I did it and I’m here. I’m alive. So why can’t I just be normal now? Why do I have to be so fucked up still? It’s … almost worse than it was before. _I’m_ worse than I was before. I can’t even …’

‘What, Wolfgang? What can’t you do?’

Wolfgang sent half a glance in Will’s direction before staring down at his hands again. ‘I can’t even have sex with my boyfriend because I can’t stop thinking about what happened.’

‘That’s normal,’ she said. ‘You’re processing right now. That’s why it’s in your head all the time. Your mind needs to process it but you won’t let it. You’re trying to hold it back, push it all away all the time. It’s not going to go away. You have to deal with it.’

‘I don’t even know how to do that.’

‘You keep coming to me. You talk through how you feel now, how you felt then. You talk about the things that happened that you can’t make sense of.’

‘And you’ll make sense of them for me?’

‘We’ll make sense of them together.’

Will reached out and laced his fingers through Wolfgang’s. ‘And I’ll be here with you.’

‘You have your own things to process,’ said Heather, almost sternly. ‘And I think your trauma might be buried further than Wolfgang’s, even though you’ve had less time to do that. His is all bubbling to the surface now, while you’re insistent on pushing yours down.’

‘It doesn’t help Wolfgang for me to be falling apart right now. I’ll deal with my shit later, when Wolfie’s all right.’

‘You’ll only make your own mental state worse doing that and that won’t help Wolfgang. You have a chance right now to deal with this before you repress it. It’ll be much easier that way.’

She glanced between the two of them. ‘Do you want to say anything about what happened to you, Will?’

Will glanced at Wolfgang. What he’d been through was nothing compared to what Wolfie had gone through. All his focus should be on helping Wolfgang to get better. He could wait.

‘No,’ he said. ‘I’m fine.’

Heather considered him for a moment, then she turned to Wolfgang. ‘Wolfgang, why don’t you take Tilly for another treat?’

Wolfgang glanced at Will, then got up. ‘Yeah. I could do with a smoke break anyway.’

Heather smiled. ‘Not something I’d encourage but as you like.’

He smiled back at her, then quietly let himself and Tilly out of the room.

Heather looked at Will and her expression was serious. ‘I know you want to help Wolfgang. You want to support him and you’re afraid that if you let yourself face what happened to you, you won’t be able to support him. Is that right?’

Will shrugged. ‘Well, yeah, I guess.’

‘Well you’re wrong. I think that if you can allow yourself to lean on him, trust him with your feelings, he’ll see that he can trust you in return. I wouldn’t ever compare your levels of trauma but his is buried much deeper than yours right now because he’s had years to push it right down. He needs to be shown that it’s all right to release it now, that he’s safe to do that. If you can’t show him that, he won’t do it.’

‘So, if I cry in his arms, he’ll cry in mine?’

‘In a way. But it has to be genuine. Talk to him about what’s going on in your head. Tell him when you have nightmares. Show him he can trust you with his pain by trusting him with yours.’

He looked back at her for a moment, then nodded. ‘I guess it makes sense.’

She nodded. ‘Good. Now, I think a few shared sessions is a good idea but I also want you to come to individual ones. I think there are things you both need to say without the other there.’

She was right about that. He didn’t want to admit it but she was right about all of it. He had make himself stop holding onto this pain and trying to bury it. He needed to trust Wolfgang with it. They needed to trust each other.


	25. Chapter 25

They walked side by side in silence as they made their way back home from the Heather’s office. Wolfgang held Tilly’s lead loosely in his hand, focusing on the feel of the cord against his palm. He could hear Will’s breathing; it was slow but not quite as steady as usual. Every so often it gave a little hitch.

Wolfgang wanted to just pull him into his arms and tell him it was all right, that he could tell him anything but if he were honest, he was afraid of what Will would tell him. He knew what had happened, or rather he knew what hadn’t happened. But the details frightened him. As much as he wanted to help Will, a part of him also didn’t want to know what pain he’d caused his boyfriend. If it hadn’t been for him, Will would never have been in that position.

More than anything, he was afraid to hear that Will blamed him or that Will hated him for being the son of the man who’d hurt him. Did Will see Anton when he looked at him? Did his scent make him think of him? Or did a gesture or mannerism take him straight back to that night?

**You’ve already reminded him of me. Because you’re a Bogdanow. You’re my boy and you’ll never get away from that.**

Wolfgang tightened his hold on Tilly’s lead and she walked closer to him. He took a breath and clenched his jaw. He didn’t want to listen to that fucking voice anymore.

He felt Will glance at him. ‘You all right?’ he asked.

Wolfgang took a deeper, steadier breath. He glanced briefly at Will. ‘Yeah. You?’

Will shrugged. ‘Yeah.’

Wolfgang felt his jaw clench again. ‘Did … er … what did she say when it was just you?’

Will gave him a wry smile. ‘That I need to sort out my own shit and not just focus on you.’

He smiled back. ‘This is what I’ve been telling you. I guess she does know what she’s talking about.’

‘I can’t just … leave you to it.’

‘That’s not what anyone’s asking of you. But you do need to think about yourself and your needs as well.’ He smiled a little. ‘I know I’ve not been acting like it but I am actually an adult and I can handle myself.’ He considered. ‘Well, mostly.’ He stopped and looked properly at Will. ‘I want to support you too.’

Will considered him for a moment, meeting his gaze. Wolfgang looked back at him. There was a lot going on in those dark blue eyes, a lot going on in Will’s head that he wasn’t sharing. Wolfgang knew how that felt. He knew the desperation to keep the pain inside, to bury it all. Heather was right. Will was in the process of burying the same kind of stuff that Wolfgang had hidden long ago. If he could change that, he would. There was so much hidden inside his own head that the idea of releasing any of it terrified him, because he knew there was so much pain that would come out, pain he’d long ago forced himself to forget. He wanted Will to let his out before he pushed it so far down that retrieving it would make him spiral into self-destruction.

Will didn’t seem to know what to say. He seemed so lost, with all these feelings he didn’t know what to do with. Wolfgang wanted to wrap him up, keep him safe and show him all the love in the world. Like Will had done for him.

But they were in public and, although it was a quiet street, there were people around and he didn’t want to get into an emotional scene right now.

Instead, he reached out, took Will’s hand and brought it to his mouth. He kissed his palm. ‘I’ve got you, Süßer.’

A soft smile spread across Will’s face and his eyes lit up. Wolfgang knew he had to look after Will, the way he looked after him. He had to let him know that it was safe to fall apart if he needed to.

They looked at each other for a moment, then carried on walking.

When they got home, Maria greeted them warmly. She and Irina were sitting in the living room chatting. Maria and Diego had been so helpful, coming over to sit with Irina whenever they needed them to. Wolfgang understood why Will trusted them. They were easy to trust. He wished he’d had a friend like that, back in Berlin.

Felix had tried to be his friend. They’d known each other since school but Wolfgang hadn’t been allowed to associate with any of the students, except kids of contacts of The Family. It was during his school years that he’d learned how to act the part. He’d been the tough kid, the sort other kids stayed away from because they knew they were in the adult world already.

He escaped from the living room as quick as he could. Although he liked Maria, he wasn’t comfortable around her. He wasn’t comfortable around any of them because he didn’t belong with them. He was tainted and fucked up and they were this perfect family, with kids who never doubted that they were safe and loved.

He went to the bathroom. He always got tired after therapy and that day was no exception. He needed a quick wash and a piss, then he’d go for a nap. Maybe Will would join him too. Wolfgang would like that.

He went to the toilet, then started to undress. He glanced at himself in the mirror. At the distance, he couldn’t see the scars he knew littered his body, evidence of the pain and punishment he’d had. He’d long ago stopped really seeing them but sometimes he caught Will looking, with that anxious look on his face, like he at once wanted to question him about each one and to soothe them. Wolfgang kind of wished he wouldn’t. He’d long ago managed to stop thinking about them.

He stepped closer to the mirror and looked at his own face. He couldn’t see any particular resemblance between him and his father, but then he’d done his best to forget his face. It was the scent of him he really remembered. That was what came back to him in his nightmares. That choking scent of old, musty leather. And vodka. Except the vodka wasn’t a constant because more often than not, Anton had been sober. It had been Wolfgang who had downed what he could, allowing intoxication to take him away from that moment. Anything to forget what was happening to him.

He had to stop that. He had to stay off the vodka because he knew, absolutely knew, that he had made Will think of Anton that night, think of that cunt with his hands on him, his heavy body pinning him down and the sting of vodka in his throat.

He left the bathroom and got into bed. He snuggled up under the covers and closed his eyes. He wanted Will to join him but, ever the giver, Will was already preparing food for lunch for the three of them. He would have to be helped to think of himself for once. He might have to be forced into it. That was one thing Wolfgang could do for him.


	26. Chapter 26

Wolfgang was woken by a tender kiss against his lips. He breathed in the fresh, clean and slightly minty scent of Will. He loved that scent. It kept him grounded and in the moment. As long as he could breathe in that scent, he knew he was with Will, safe and loved.

He opened his eyes and looked into that face. To anyone else, it was probably an unremarkable face. Good-looking and nice, but ordinary. Not to Wolfgang. To him, it was the face of the most beautiful person he’d ever known, the first person who’d kept every promise he’d made, the first person Wolfgang knew he could trust. It was a face he loved beyond anything, beyond himself. Not that that was difficult.

He smiled, reaching for Will and bringing him close for another kiss. Will was careful with him, gentle and loving. Much as he wanted to be thought of as strong and capable, he did love how tender he was with him. It helped Wolfgang remember that he was loved.

‘You ready to wake up?’ Will asked.

‘Yeah but I want a cuddle first.’

Will smiled. He pulled away just enough to ease back the covers and slip in beside him. Wolfgang scooted close to him, wrapping his arms and legs around his boyfriend and holding tight. Will put his arms around his shoulders and held him close.

‘Good sleep?’

‘Yeah. No bad dreams anyway. Probably too tired for that.’ He shifted so he could look at Will. ‘What about you? How are your nightmares?’

Will tensed, then visibly forced himself to relax. ‘I can handle them.’

‘I’ve handled them for years. You know what I did?’

‘What?’

‘Pushed it all down. Refused to think about it. Drank to forget. Fucked random guys to forget. You know what it did?’

Will frowned at him. ‘What?’

‘It just made it all fucking worse, Will. It didn’t help. It just screwed my head up more.’ He reached up and touched Will’s cheek tenderly. ‘I don’t want that for you, Süßer.’

‘But, baby, what happened to me was nothing like what happened you to. I … I just … it was just this thing that happened and I should just get over it.’

Wolfgang sat up, feeling a burst of anger, not at Will, but at his father. That vile man had done this to his lovely Will and he deserved to die for that. But that’s not where they were right now. He took a breath, forcing his voice to remain calm and steady.

‘Will, he hurt you and sexually assaulted you. It’s not something you just get over. Believe me.’

Will looked at him for a moment, then his gaze skirted away and he took a deep, slightly shaky breath. ‘I keep dreaming about it except … it’s not all of it. It’s just … that smell … and the pressure of him on top of me.’

Wolfgang gave him a slight grimace of a smile. ‘Sounds familiar.’

Will pulled a face. ‘I don’t know how you can drink this stuff. I don’t want to have even a single shot of vodka ever again.’

Wolfgang let out a breath and lay back down. ‘It’s hard to break the habits of a lifetime. I don’t … I don’t want to drink. I want to be a good boyfriend, do all the right things. It’s just … sometimes there’s too much pain and it stops me thinking clearly. There’s this voice and the vodka blocks it out.’

Will looked at him. ‘Voice? What’s the voice?’

Wolfgang turned his gaze away. ‘My father. Or … it’s his voice anyway. It’s not all … things that he’d say. I guess it’s the things in my head.’

‘Like what?’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘I don’t want to go into that.’ He huffed. ‘I guess that’s something for therapy.’

Will put his arm around Wolfgang’s shoulder and tugged him closer. ‘I’m really proud of you, you know.’

‘What for?’

‘For going to therapy. For trying. And today, saying it properly for the first time. I know how hard that was.’

Wolfgang considered. Saying it out loud was such a simple thing, so easy on the face of it, but actually one of those difficult things ever. It was actually admitting this thing he’d been taught to keep secret, getting it out in the open like it wasn’t something to be ashamed of. He didn’t understand why it helped but it did.

He felt like Will was holding his breath, wanting to say something else. Wolfgang waited but whatever it was never came. Will hugged him to him and kissed his brow, then pulled away.

‘Come on. I think you should eat something. You’ve not had anything since that measly breakfast you had.’

Wolfgang shrugged as he got up out of bed and pulled on his jogging pants over his boxers. He already had a t-shirt on but, after a moment’s hesitation, he pulled on Will’s hoodie too.

Will gave him a smile. ‘You know, you’re going to have to let me wear that sometimes if you want it to keep smelling like me.’

Wolfgang grinned. ‘Nah, I’ll just get loads of cuddles while wearing it.’

Will laughed and his whole face lit up. His dark blue eyes sparkled and Wolfgang felt warm inside. ‘Sounds like a plan to me.’ He reached out, caught Wolfgang by the hand and brought him close for a kiss.

Afterwards, they stayed in each other’s arms for a moment, gently swaying with each other. Wolfgang thought about how beyond grateful he was to have Will. If he didn’t, he knew he’d already be dead. He wouldn’t have been able to cope without Will’s care and Will’s love. He had to keep going for him now. He had to help Will keep going.

Will kissed his cheek, then pulled away. ‘Come on. I think Irina’s hungry too.’

Wolfgang nodded, slipping his fingers through Will’s and smiling as his boyfriend led him from the room. ‘You’re so good at looking after us, Schatz.’

Will grinned at him, his cheeks flushing with pleasure and Wolfgang knew that was what kept him going. Looking after them, being there for him. All of that was what kept Will fighting to get through each day. Whatever worked. They needed each other, all three of them. So they had to carry on for each other.


	27. Chapter 27

‘So how are the nightmares?’ Heather asked, giving him one of her pleasant smiles that always came with a knowing look.

Wolfgang sighed. ‘It’s every night. I wake up and, for a moment I can’t get my head out of the past.’

‘And what do you do when that happens?’

‘Find something that belongs to Will usually. Remind myself where I am.’

‘That’s a good technique. Does it work for you?’

‘Usually, yeah. I’ve started…’ He paused and cleared his throat. ‘I’ve moved the chair he puts his clothes on at night to my side of the bed. He hasn’t said anything but he probably thinks it’s weird.’

‘I’m sure he understands. He’s dealing with his own nightmares too.’

‘Yeah. Not that he likes to admit it. I keep trying to get him to talk about it but …’

‘Let’s keep our focus on you for the moment.’

Wolfgang pulled a face. ‘Do we have to?’

Heather laughed lightly. ‘It is why we’re here. Would you like to tell me about your nightmares?’

‘You make it sound like it’s voluntary.’

‘It is. What you tell me is completely up to you. I just think it would help to talk about it.’

Wolfgang looked down at Tilly, who was resting her head in his lap. He felt his eyebrows knit together. ‘I’ve never really talked about them before. I’ve … had them ever since I can remember but they’re worse now. It feels like I can’t sleep for more than half an hour at a time without having a nightmare.’ He sighed heavily. ‘Why is that?’

‘Because your mind knows you’re safe now. Your mind knows it doesn’t have to hold onto all that anymore.’

‘So why can’t I just talk about it? Why does it feel like there’s a war in my head?’

‘That’s what it is right now,’ said Heather. He could feel her eyes on him but he didn’t look up.

‘At the moment it is a war,’ she said. ‘Your subconscious mind wants to let go of these traumatic memories and heal but consciously, you’re terrified.’

He twisted uncomfortably in his seat. She was right, far too right and he didn’t like it.

‘You’ve built up all these defences over the years, kept yourself completely controlled since you were small. It’s very normal in these situations.’

‘Oh, yeah, it’s so normal for a father to beat and rape his son for twenty years,’ he snapped, then winced. Why did he have to do that? Why did he have to be so defensive and push it in people’s faces like that? He knew he did it to Will too.

He glanced at her. She didn’t look upset. ‘Sorry,’ he mumbled.

She smiled gently. ‘That’s all right.’ She considered him. ‘What do you think about going to a support group? It might help you to see how others cope who’ve been through similar experiences. It might help you to see that others have recovered from this kind of experience and it is possible for you too.’

That thought made him recoil and he shook his head rapidly.

Heather nodded slowly. ‘All right. You’re not ready. But keep it in mind.’

He didn’t reply, just focused on Tilly’s soft dark fur under his hands. Heather let the silence stand for a few moments before she spoke again.

‘I’d like you to try talking me through one of your nightmares.’

At that thought, tension jerked through his body. He clenched his hands in Tilly’s fur and he shook his head again. ‘No, no I can’t do that.’

Heather held her hands up. ‘All right.’ She paused and he focused hard on his breathing to calm himself.

‘What about writing it down?’ she suggested. ‘Not now. When you wake with a nightmare, if you’re having trouble getting back to sleep, try writing it out, describing what happens. Then I might be able to help you talk it through in our next session. What do you think?’

Wolfgang sighed. ‘I can try it, I suppose.’

‘All you can do is try.’ She glanced up at the clock. ‘We have a few minutes left. Is there anything else you’d like to talk about before we finish?’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘No, I’m tired now. I’m going to head home.’

‘All right. I’ll see you again in three days then?’

‘Yeah.’ He got up, Tilly following his lead and leaping down beside him. He hesitated, meeting Heather’s gentle gaze. ‘Thank you. You are … you are helping, you know. It’s just … hard.’

She smiled gently at him. ‘It is hard but you’re doing well. We just need to keep putting in the work together and we’ll get there.’

Wolfgang smiled, then turned his attention to Tilly. ‘Hier, Mädchen.’

She followed him and they made their way outside. He put her on the lead, just for curtesy’s sake and they started the short walk home.

The fresh air always helped to reset him after a therapy session. It had been a couple of weeks since he and Will had actually started talking and, he had to admit, things were getting easier. It was like trying to get through the day with something wrapped around his chest, making it hard to breathe, hard to talk and hard to move. But, when he did make himself talk, that pressure got a little easier and he felt he could catch a breath every now and then.

He noticed as well that he no longer needed a nap after most sessions. He was still tired after each one but it was no longer the soul-crushing exhaustion it had been at first. He thought maybe that meant he was making some progress.

He reached the bungalow and dug in his pocket for the front door key. But before he found it, the door opened and his mama stood there, a big smile on her face. She didn’t say anything, just reached out and tugged him into a hug.

He laughed. ‘Hi, mama. Have you had a good morning?’

‘Good morning!’ she repeated. ‘Played scrabble with Alex and Lucia.’

‘Oh.’ He peered past her, tension clenching his body. ‘Are they still here?’

‘They’ve gone home,’ called Will. He came to the door and carefully guided Irina back inside the house.

Wolfgang stepped in after him and shut the door behind him. Tilly was already sniffing around where the visitors had been.

‘I didn’t know they were coming round,’ he said, hating how tight his voice sounded.

Will looked at him. ‘I had to go and talk to my Captain, remember? About going back to work? So Maria just popped round to sit with Irina.’

‘Oh right.’

Will was still looking at him. ‘You all right?’

‘Yeah, I’m fine. Hungry. What’s for lunch?’

‘Making quesadillas. Chicken and chorizo with my homemade salsa. Sound good?’

Wolfgang smiled. ‘Yeah. Sounds good.’ He sat down on the sofa, hating the thoughts in his head. He was just tense every time the thought of a visit from the kids came into his mind. He knew how important they were to Will but … Wolfgang knew he shouldn’t be around kids. He was too fucked up.

Will leaned over and kissed the top of his head. ‘You sure you’re okay, baby?’

‘Yeah, just tired.’

Will rubbed his shoulders. ‘You want my hoodie?’

Wolfgang grinned. ‘Yeah.’

Will laughed softly, then kissed him again. ‘You got it.’ He pulled away and a moment later, he pushed his hoodie into Wolfgang’s hands. Wolfgang brought it to his face and breathed in the scent of Will. Then he lay down on the sofa, the hoodie pressed to his face and settled in to doze until food was ready. Before he allowed himself to drift, he felt Tilly’s warm, solid weight settle on top of him to join in on the nap.


	28. Chapter 28

Wolfgang ended up napping properly, though he hadn’t meant to. Will had to wake him for lunch and he felt tired and dozy for the rest of the afternoon. Thankfully, Will didn’t fuss over him. He knew it as pretty normal for Wolfgang to feel like that after a session, particularly one where he’d actually managed to talk.

The afternoon was spent quietly. Wolfgang watched some TV while Will took Irina and Tilly out for a walk. It was part of his mama’s therapy to go on walks. It was both to help her mobility improve, and to get her used to being around people again. Sometimes they went into shops or cafés, to practise talking to the servers and dealing with money. Or they went to the park to get practise in having brief conversations with friendly strangers. Will was working up to taking her to more difficult places, like shopping malls, train stations and airports.

Sometimes, Will managed to get Wolfgang to come too. He wasn’t afraid of crowds particularly but he did feel himself get tense and defensive around people, which wasn’t something he wanted.

But that day, he didn’t have the energy and Will let him be. He’d kissed him as they left, his hand lingering on Wolfgang’s cheek in a soft caress.

‘Don’t just stare at that thing all afternoon,’ he’d murmured, with a knowing smile. ‘There’s plenty of fresh air in the garden, remember.’

Wolfgang had smiled back. ‘I’ll remember.’

He’d lounged on the sofa for a while, watching daytime TV, then he’d got fed up with translating and switched to German Netflix and started watching a family film. He didn’t want anything too heavy.

When it was over, they still weren’t back so he went into the back garden. He sat on the bench Will had bought the previous weekend and leaned back. He stared blankly at the little garden. It was nothing like the expansive grounds he’d been brought up in. There was grass and a path and a few trees and that was pretty much it. There were no woods here to hide it. But he didn’t need to hide here. He was safe. He just wished it were easier to remember that.

He stood up and walked down the little path to one of the trees. He reached out and touched the bark. It was rough beneath his fingertips. He closed his eyes and suddenly, he could remember being back _there_ so clearly.

_He is thirteen. He scrambles up the tree, whippy branches scratching his face as he climbs, heedless of anything but the need to get to the top. Bruises litter his skin. Finger marks on his shoulders and on his hips. Belt marks across his back and buttocks. A raw ache inside him that he can’t even bear to think about. Fear throbs in his chest, cloys at his throat and he knows he cannot escape. There will never be any escape._

Wolfgang jumped back, breaking contact with the tree and finding himself breathing hard. He scowled.

‘Don’t be a pussy,’ he murmured to himself.

He reached out again, forcing himself to face the memory.

_He looks at himself, huddled in the tree, desperate not to be found, desperate for it not to happen again. He can feel the fear he felt then. He looks into that young face. Beautiful but marred by bruises and by the pain in those clear blue eyes._

_That pain is more distant now. He’s not in that tree, waiting for his father to find him and knowing he will soon, knowing there is no escape. He’s safe, in a neat garden in suburban Chicago. He is far away from that pain and that fear. He is separated by both distance and time._

_He looks at himself and sees a boy, damaged but still innocent. It’s not his fault._

Wolfgang stood back, feeling like a child who teased himself with fear by searching for the monster under the bed, or shutting himself in a closet to see what it felt like. But that was no pretend fear that lurked inside his subconscious. It was real. It was the fear that he could find himself in that position again.

He knew what he had to do but he didn’t want to. He wasn’t ready yet. But he knew, at some point, he was going to have to face his father.

‘Hey, we’re back,’ said Will, from the back door. 

Wolfgang glanced round and smiled. Will’s gaze swept across him and Wolfgang could tell he was desperate to ask if he was all right but he restrained himself. Wolfgang could see the effort it took him.

Wolfgang strolled up the garden path to meet him. He kissed him. ‘Good walk?’ he asked, putting his arm around his waist.

Will smiled. ‘Yeah. We went into that bookshop. Your mama bought a book and she did all the talking herself.’

‘That’s great!’ He slipped his hand under Will’s jacket and shirt, to feel the warmth of his skin. ‘Did you get yourself something? You’ve nearly finished your bedtime book.’

Will’s gaze skirted away and Wolfgang knew why. He always read when he couldn’t sleep. Either that was because he’d had a nightmare, or he was afraid he would. ‘Yeah, I got something.’ He shrugged. ‘I guess I’m reading a lot these days.’

Wolfgang caressed his back, his fingers playing lightly over his spine. ‘Whatever helps,’ he said, softly.

Will met his gaze and smiled softly. ‘Yeah.’ He found his other hand and squeezed it. ‘You coming in?’

‘In a minute. Have you got a spare notebook I could have?’

Will frowned. ‘Er, yeah. I’ve got a few. You can pick one. How come?’

Wolfgang shrugged, not wanting to make a big deal of it. ‘Oh, Heather suggested I write things down when I … when I can’t sleep.’

Will nodded and Wolfgang knew he realised what he was talking about. Neither of them liked to say the word nightmares. They both felt that, if they talked about them, it was as good as summoning them.

‘Good idea,’ Will said, still holding his hand tightly.

‘Just … I want what I write to be private.’

Will held up his hands. ‘I won’t even peek.’

Wolfgang kissed the corner of his mouth. ‘I trust you.’

Will didn’t say anything to that, just put both arms around him and hugged him tight.


	29. Chapter 29

Wolfgang emerged from the bathroom after brushing his teeth to the sight of Will. He was sitting up in bed, reading, in his tank top and boxer shorts. Something about seeing him there, illuminated by the soft light of his bedside lamp, made Wolfgang feel warm inside. Will meant home and family.

Will glanced up at him and smiled. ‘You coming to bed, or just standing there all night?’

Wolfgang smiled back at him. ‘I’m coming to bed.’ He hesitated, then stripped off his t-shirt, lounge pants and boxers and slipped into bed.

Will quirked his eyebrow slightly but didn’t comment. Wolfgang gave him a smile, then reached across him and took the book out of Will’s hands. He put the bookmark in and stretched to put it down on Will’s nightstand.

Will looked curiously at him. ‘What?’

‘I want to have sex.’

Will leaned back against the headboard and looked closely at him. ‘Are you sure?’

Wolfgang reached for him, touching his cheek, then sliding his hand down to his shoulder, down his arm to his waist. ‘I want to be with you.’

Will shuffled down, so they were both lying facing each other. ‘I’ll only go as far you are _completely_ comfortable with, baby. The second, and I mean the _second_ , that you start to feel not with it or bad in _any_ way, you need to tell me and everything will stop.’

‘I know,’ said Wolfgang, palming the curve of Will’s hip. ‘If I didn’t know that, I wouldn’t want to do this.’

Will cupped his cheek. ‘I don’t want you to rush this. I know you’re making progress and I’m really proud of you but I just don’t want you to put yourself back.’

Wolfgang looked at him for a moment, those big blue eyes so full of love for him, the kindness and the compassion, and the worry. He smiled. ‘Will,’ he said, softly. ‘Don’t overthink it.’

‘What do you mean? It’s important we…’

Wolfgang shook his head. ‘Just kiss me, Will.’

Will hesitated, then leaned forward and kissed him. Wolfgang sank into the kiss, surrounding himself with the sensations of Will, the man he trusted more than anyone else. It was gentle at first, cautious but Wolfgang grasped Will by the hips and pulled him in further, pressing into him to deepen the kiss. He was going to have to show Will he was all right.

He could feel himself getting hard. He grinned against Will’s mouth. ‘You’re making me hard, Will,’ he murmured and chuckled as Will blushed.

Spurred on, Will pushed forward, rolling on top of him and kissing him hard. Wolfgang kept his eyes open. It felt a little odd to be doing this with his eyes open but it helped to remind him where he was, who he was with.

He liked watching Will’s face as they kissed. The worry lines faded away and he looked happy. Wolfgang wanted to make him happy so much. He could feel Will’s hard-on against his thigh, through his boxers. He wanted to feel it for real. He pushed his hands down from Will’s hips, pushing his boxers down. Will wriggled out of them, then pulled his tank top off over his head.

Then it was just them, skin against skin. They kissed, slowly but passionately, tasting each other, feeling each other. This was what it was about. Touch and pleasure and intimacy.

He reached up, running his fingers through his thick dark hair. That was another sensation to cling to, the feel of his hair.

Will settled his hand on Wolfgang’s hip, smoothing his thumb across the dip of his waist. Then he slipped his hand beneath him, moving down and gripping his buttocks.

Unbidden, Wolfgang felt his body tense. Immediately, Will let go and pulled back, sliding off him. Wolfgang whimpered, not wanting this to end.

Lying on the bed next to him, Will looked at him. ‘I said the moment you felt uncomfortable…’

‘I _don’t_ feel uncomfortable. I want to do this. It’s just my body reacting, that’s all.’

Will shook his head. ‘I don’t want to make you feel bad.’

Wolfgang reached for him, pulling him against him again. ‘You don’t make me feel bad, not for one minute.’

Will looked doubtful.

Wolfgang kissed him, hard. ‘Not for one minute.’

They kissed again, slow and tender kisses. Wolfgang reached between them, grasped Will’s cock and pumped it firmly. ‘I want you,’ he murmured.

‘What do you want?’ Will asked.

‘I want you to make love to me. I want to feel you inside me.’

‘But what if you get tense?’

‘I want to push past it. I think … if I can push past that fear, I could do it. Please, Will. Just help me.’

Slowly, Will nodded. He still looked unsure. ‘If you want to stop …’

‘I’ll say.’

Will sat up, reached for the tube of lube from his nightstand drawer and put it within easy reach. Wolfgang pulled him close, pulled him on top of him again, and into a kiss. He wanted Will. He wanted him so much, just to feel him inside him, feel that intimacy of being together, with nothing between them. He craved it, like oxygen. But he was afraid of it at the same time. He was getting better, going to his sessions and talking. If he could just push through this, he’d be all right. Everything would be all right.

Will’s weight was heavy on top of him, pinning him beneath him. He wanted to love it. He wanted to feel right with Will on top of him, kissing him, but he didn’t. He pushed sideways and Will followed his cue and slid off him.

‘All right?’ he asked.

Wolfgang nodded. ‘Fine. Keep going.’

Will held his gaze for a moment, then went back to kissing him. Wolfgang closed his eyes and tried to centre himself. He was with Will. He was all right. He was safe. Everything was fine. This was what boyfriends did.

Will trailed his fingers down his spine, his touch featherlight and loving. Wolfgang leaned into the touch, focusing on its softness. Will trailed soft kisses down his jaw, then his neck; soft, sweet kisses that created a wonderful fluttering feeling in his belly.

He turned over, pressing back into Will to feel the firmness of his body against him. Will wrapped his arms around his chest, holding him close.

‘Still okay?’

Wolfgang smiled, turning his head towards Will’s kiss. ‘You don’t have to ask me every thirty seconds.’

Will hummed against him, trailing his hand across his stomach. ‘Feels like I do.’

Wolfgang felt for the lube and pressed it into Will’s hand. ‘Do it.’

Will hesitated, then closed his hand around the tube. ‘You s…’

‘Don’t ask me if I’m sure,’ he interrupted. ‘Just do it.’

He could still feel Will hesitating so he pushed back into him, trying to encourage him. He felt Will’s focus shift towards the practical, leaving him free to focus on keeping himself in that moment.

He felt Will trace his buttocks, so lightly and gently. Then he pushed one lubed finger in between his cheeks. Wolfgang turned his head into the pillow, fighting not to jerk away from the intrusion. He held Will’s other hand, where it rested on his waist. Different sensations battered at him, some reality and some just in his mind, in his memories.

He pressed his face harder to the pillow. _It’s Will, it’s Will_ , he told himself. _You’re safe_.

But his whole body felt tense and something was rising up from his stomach, filling his chest and into his throat, choking him. He clenched, desperately trying not to cry.

Will stopped, gripping his hand tight. ‘It’s okay, I’ve got you. We’re stopping this. It’s all stopped.’

Wolfgang wanted to object, wanted to say he was all right but then he was gasping with sobs and he couldn’t stop and Will was wrapping his arms around him and holding him tight.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’ Wolfgang gasped. ‘I wanted to.’

Will scattered gentle kisses across his shoulder. ‘It’s okay. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if we ever do that. You hear me, Wolfie? I’d rather we never tried again than you feel like this, do you understand me?’ His voice became almost stern.

Wolfgang couldn’t reply but he knew Will was right. He couldn’t push his way through this by pure determination. Sobs wracked his body and he could barely breathe. But Will held him, one hand on his stomach, the other on his chest.

‘I’ve got you,’ he murmured, dropping kisses into his hair and along his shoulder. ‘I’ve got you.’

Wolfgang realised his pillow was wet against his cheek. For a moment, he wanted to resist the tears, stop himself crying. What good had tears ever done?

But there, in Will’s arms, he knew he was completely safe. Something seemed to snap inside him and, as he lay there in Will’s arms, he let go and gave into his pain, grief for all that he had lost coursing through him, and Will held him, just held him. Will’s naked body was warm against his and all his defences were down. He couldn’t hold it in anymore.


	30. Chapter 30

Will could do nothing but hold Wolfgang as he cried. He’d never seen him like this before. This wasn’t just tears, which had escaped his control. It was full on distraught sobbing. Guilt twisted inside his belly as he found himself unable to avoid the thought that _he’d_ caused this. He should never have agreed to try this again. He should have put his foot down about it.

He rubbed Wolfgang’s back, caressed his arm and murmured soft, comforting words to him. He could do nothing else, just be there.

Gradually, the sobs eased and Wolfgang quietened down. But he didn’t lift his head from the pillow, not yet.

Then he shifted, staring straight ahead at the window facing his side of the bed. ‘We should get some sleep,’ he said, flatly.

Will took hold of his upper arm in a firm grip, but rubbed his thumb back and forth across his skin to soften it.

‘We have to talk first.’

Wolfgang let out a long, low breath, then turned to look at him. ‘If you want to end it…’ He dropped his gaze and his jaw pulsed with tension. ‘Just do it quick.’

It felt like Will’s heart snapped in two at the pain in Wolfie’s voice. He reached out and cupped his boyfriend’s cheek, tugging his face up so he could meet those bright blue eyes. There was pain there too.

‘Baby, do you really think I’d leave you for this?’

He shrugged. ‘Most people would. What good is a boyfriend you can’t have sex with?’

‘Wolfgang, I don’t give a shit about any of that.’ He sighed, impatiently. ‘Okay, yeah, I’d love to have sex. I’d love to make love with you but, it’s not a deal breaker.’ He cupped both his cheeks and looked properly into his eyes. ‘I want to be with _you_ , Wolfie. I’m not with you for your body.’

He stared at him for a moment, then frowned and gave a half shrug. ‘I don’t really know how to take that.’

Will frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

Wolfgang looked away. ‘I mean … what is there about me to want to be with without …’ A deep frown settled on his brow. ‘I’m nothing but my body, Will. That’s all I’ve ever been. All I ever will be.’

Will ran his fingers through his hair, smoothed out the frown and settled his hand on his cheek again. ‘That’s your father talking,’ he said, softly.

Wolfgang looked back at him, his eyes shining. ‘And he knows me better than anyone. He knows what I am. Just a body to fuck. It’s either that or … I’ll become him. It’s in my blood.’

‘Bullshit,’ snapped Will. ‘Do you think your mama thinks that? Do you think when she looks at you, she sees your father? Do you think _she_ sees nothing?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Dunno.’

‘Well, let me tell you what _I_ see?’

Wolfgang didn’t say anything, just watched him, waiting hear what he had to say.

‘I see the person who sacrificed so much to help his mother, who fought through fire and smoke to save someone who you owed nothing to, someone you thought had betrayed you. You’ve been through so much shit and you’re still here, Wolfie. You’re still strong, still … still good.’

Wolfgang blinked at him. ‘You think I’m good.’

Will stroked his cheek. ‘Of course.’ He smiled. ‘Tilly doesn’t like bad men.’

Wolfgang chuckled faintly. ‘That’s true.’

Will slid his arm around Wolfgang’s shoulders and tugged him in close. ‘Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to take sex off the table.’

‘But…’

‘I don’t want you to go through this again. I don’t want you to try and push through or anything like that. Maybe one day it’ll just happen, or maybe it won’t. Either way, it’s you and me through whatever happens. You got it? You and me.’

Wolfgang looked at him for a moment, then nodded. He didn’t say anything, just tucked himself in tight to Will’s shoulder. He put his arm around his waist and held on tight. Will dropped a kiss into his hair and held him close. They were both silent for a little while. Will thought that Wolfgang had dropped off to sleep.

But then he turned his head and pressed a kiss to his jaw. ‘I love you, Will,’ he whispered.

Will held him close, turning to kiss him softly on the lips. ‘I love you, Wolfie.’

Wolfgang jerked awake, his heart hammering in his breath and his breathing refusing to come steadily. He gasped for breath, tasting blood in his mouth. He realised he was naked under the covers and he didn’t like it. He scrambled out of bed and grabbed a pair of boxers from the drawer. He’d just pulled them on when he felt a lurch in his stomach and he ran to the bathroom and threw up into the toilet.

Afterwards, he stumbled shakily to his feet and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked grey and drawn. He hated that haunted look in his eyes. It reminded him of being twelve years old, looking in the mirror after … after that first time.

For a moment, that was all he could see. That innocent twelve-year-old looking back at him in the mirror. The pain in those clear blue eyes gazing at him was so raw, so obvious. He hadn’t hidden it yet.

He couldn’t bear to look at it. He turned away.

He cleaned his teeth. As he did so, he thought of Will. Will, back in Berlin, buying him a toothbrush so he’d stay over. Will, bringing it to the hotel that first night after the shooting. From the very beginning, Will had looked after him. He knew he would always look after him.

He also knew he didn’t deserve it.

He was tired but he wasn’t sure he could go back to sleep. He didn’t want another nightmare. But he was tired.

He leaned over the sink and splashed his face with cold water. As he straightened, he felt something wet and cold at the back of his knee. He glanced round and smiled as he saw Tilly. He crouched down and hugged her.

‘Hey, Mädchen, gutes Mädchen,’ he murmured.

She licked his cheek as he held her. Holding onto her soft fur and warm, strong body, he felt himself begin to calm down.

Suddenly, she wriggled out of his grasp and turned and trotted away. Frowning, he followed her. He smiled when he got back through to the bedroom. She was lying on the bed, next to Will, waiting for him.

He hesitated for a moment, then pulled on Will’s hoodie before climbing back into bed. It was warm with the hoodie on and with the three of them in the bed but he didn’t care. He snuggled up close to his boyfriend and his dog and closed his eyes, allowing himself to go back to sleep. Briefly he thought about the notebook but he couldn’t remember the nightmare and the very last thing he wanted to do was try to. 


	31. Chapter 31

Wolfgang was aware that Will was being careful around him over the next few days. Although Wolfgang didn’t like being treated with kid gloves, he did enjoy the tender care Will gave him.

With sex off the table, pressure Wolfgang hadn’t even been aware of was gone and he began to take pleasure in just the simple act of being with Will. They just held each other, or kissed or held hands and both knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere.

It was a Monday morning and Wolfgang woke earlier than anyone else. He’d had a nightmare but he didn’t throw up or get into a panic attack. He just held onto Will, who was sleeping beside him, and waited for the blinding fear to recede. Then he got up, got dressed in lounge pants and Will’s hoodie, and went through to the living room, clutching his notebook.

He’d sat there, his legs pulled up on the sofa, deciding if he was brave enough to write and where to start.

Eventually he put pencil to paper and started to write.

_The thing I remember is the fear. That’s what I can’t get away from. It’s like my heart has been going too fast for all these years and it doesn’t know how to slow down._

_I don’t want to be afraid of him anymore but I can’t make it stop. He’s so big in my dreams, like when I was twelve. That’s the time that always comes back in my dreams but that’s the part I can’t bear to think about. I don’t understand how he could do that. I was so little. So innocent. I didn’t deserve it then._

‘Morning,’ called Will, brightly as he strode into the room.

Wolfgang snapped the book shut and pulled his hands up his sleeves.

‘You’re up early. Couldn’t sleep?’

‘Not been up long.’

Will stopped and looked at him. ‘Sorry, were you doing your diary thing? I didn’t mean to interrupt.’

‘It’s fine, I wasn’t really doing anything.’ He shoved the book into the big pocket in the hoodie.

Will hesitated then came to sit with him. ‘I wanted to talk to you about me going back to work. Do you think you’re ready?’

‘Me? I’m fine. I’m not an invalid. I don’t need you here.’

Will bit his lip hard and Wolfgang realised what he’d said and hurried to rephrase. ‘I mean I don’t need babysitting. You should go back to work.’

‘What about Irina?’

‘I can look after her.’

‘Not when you’re at your therapy. And I think she needs a professional to teach her how to navigate the world better. You know, take her on trips out and work on her speech.’

‘Sure, whatever you think.’

Will frowned at him. ‘What’s the matter?’

‘Nothing’s the matter, he snapped. ‘Why do you always think there’s something the matter?’

‘Er, because you’re snapping at me,’ Will said, reasonably enough.

Wolfgang frowned, sagging against the back of the sofa. ‘Sorry,’ he said, somewhat sullenly. ‘I’ve been thinking. Maybe I should go and see him in prison. My father.’

Will stared at him. ‘Why would you want to do that? You don’t ever have to see his face again, Wolfie. Not ever.’

Wolfgang looked at him. ‘Will, I see his face every night, in every nightmare I have. I see him whenever I close my eyes.’

Will pulled a face. Wolfgang knew he didn’t like to think about it. If he thought about what happened to Wolfgang, he’d have to think about what happened to him and he was still doing his utmost to pretend none of that had really happened. It was something Wolfgang worried about. The longer Will didn’t face it, the harder it was going to be when he inevitably did.

‘I just don’t see how it’s going to help for you to see him,’ said Will.

‘I just want to face him, the real him. The one who’s not a monster in my head. Maybe … maybe it would help for you to see him too. We could go together.’

Will shook his head rapidly. ‘No, I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to see him ever again.’

Wolfgang was just thinking about what to say when Tilly came trotting through, followed by his mama.

‘Good morning,’ she said. ‘Can we have pancakes before the go out time?’

Wolfgang smiled. Her speech was still a little odd, as she didn’t always know the right phrases or words for what she wanted to say. But she’d come along so much since they’d got out, in such a short space of time. When he thought back to what she had been like for so long, it seemed unreal. She’d been almost completely silent for so long yet here she was, living her life. And she seemed happy.

‘Sure,’ said Will, standing up. Wolfgang could tell he was relieved to get an out from the conversation. ‘You want to give me a hand?’

‘Yes. I learn to cook then I look after _you_ ,’ she said, with a big grin.

Will laughed. ‘Yeah.’

Wolfgang shifted on the sofa so he could watch him. He was so gentle with her, with both of them. He was putting all his energy into looking after them. But he needed just as much looking after.

He couldn’t explain why he wanted to see his father, and he didn’t even know if it would really help, or if it was something he was ready to do. All he knew was that he had this need inside him, this desperate need to look at him, face to face, in real life.

He got up and crossed to where Will and Irina were getting out the ingredients for the pancakes. He leaned against the counter for a moment and watched them. Will was a man both of them had learned to trust, a man who had shown them he could be trusted, taught them that trusting was worth it. Because of him, they were both learning the strength they had.

He reached out for Will, taking hold of him by his waist and tugging him closer. Will came to him and put his hands on his shoulders.

‘What is it, baby?’

Wolfgang looked at him, aware that his mama was listening and thinking of how to phrase it without frightening her.

‘I think we should talk to Heather about it. Will you agree to that?’

Will frowned, biting his lip for a moment before he spoke. ‘Yeah, I will. But I’ll be hoping she can talk you out of it.’ 

Wolfgang nodded. ‘Fair enough. We’ll do it at today’s appointment then.’

Will’s expression twisted but he nodded. ‘Yeah.’

Wolfgang kissed him softly on his mouth. ‘I won’t do anything you’re not comfortable with.’

Will smiled, finding his hand and gripping it. ‘I know.’

‘Pancakes,’ Irina said, firmly.

Wolfgang laughed. ‘All right, mama. We’ll make pancakes.’

Irina beamed and the three of them started to make them together. Wolfgang enjoyed the simple, domestic act. This was what home and family was about, doing these simple things to look after each other. This was the sort of thing he had to hold onto.


	32. Chapter 32

Wolfgang followed Will into Heather’s office, with Tilly by his side. He always got more nervous with their joint appointments. It was harder to hide things. But he was hoping that their discussion about his idea of visiting his father would take up most of the session and he wouldn’t have to talk about his breakdown in bed the other night.

‘So how are you both?’ she asked, as Will sat down.

‘We’ve come to a decision,’ said Will. He glanced at Wolfgang. ‘About sex.’

Wolfgang huffed and sat down next to him. Obviously they weren’t going to skirt this issue. ‘Will doesn’t want to do it anymore.’

Heather nodded. ‘And why is that?’

‘Because Wolfgang’s not ready,’ said Will. ‘And he keeps pushing himself to try and getting upset.’

‘I am here, you know,’ Wolfgang snapped. ‘I can speak for myself.’

Heather smiled placatingly. ‘Then tell me your side. How do you feel about sex being off the table for now?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Better, I guess. I had this pressure inside that I wasn’t aware of. It... it wasn’t Will. He never pressures me. The opposite really. Just... I don’t... I’ve never been in a relationship. All I know how to do is sex.’

‘We tried to... go all the way,’ said Will. ‘And he freaked out.’

Wolfgang squirmed uncomfortably.

‘He was crying and...’

‘Okay Will, I’d like to hear what Wolfgang wants to say about this.’

Will bit his lip, visibly struggling to restrain himself from continuing. Will always found it easy to talk about Wolfgang. It was one way he avoided talking about himself.

Wolfgang patted the sofa and Tilly jumped up beside him. He buried his hands in her fur and focused on her, trailing his gaze over individual strands going from black to brown.

Will nudged him. ‘Wolfie, don’t you want to explain?’

Wolfgang couldn’t speak. He just stared at Tilly.

‘Take your time,’ said Heather softly. ‘There’s no rush. You can write it down if you like.’

He glanced up at her. Her gaze was soft and undemanding. He focused on her and Tilly, trying to pretend that Will wasn’t there.

‘I... it was like... I wanted to do it but my body wouldn’t let me. I kept reacting like... like it wasn’t Will, like it was _him_. I don’t... I don’t understand why it felt like that. I’ve …’ He sent half a glance at Will. He was looking at his hands in Tilly’s fur and listening attentively.

‘I’ve had sex with a lot of people and … I’ve never felt like that before.’ He met Heather’s non-judgmental gaze. ‘Why can I let strangers fuck me but not …’ His voice broke. ‘Not the man I love?’

Heather hesitated, studying him for a moment before she spoke. ‘Why don’t you tell me why you think that is?’

Wolfgang groaned. ‘I don’t know. That’s why I’m here. I don’t understand my own head.’

She gave him one of her gentle smiles. ‘All right. Would you like me to explain my theory?’

He sat back, glancing at Will, whose attention was now on Heather, waiting for what she had to say. Wolfgang knew how much Will longed to understand him. Wolfgang felt guilty that he couldn’t explain himself or how he felt. He didn’t understand it himself.

‘You’re probably the only one who has a shot of understanding me.’

‘As you say, I’m here to help you understand yourself.’

‘So what’s your theory?’ Wolfgang asked, though he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to know.

Again, Heather paused, as though giving him time to prepare himself. He held on to Tilly and waited.

‘A lot of people who have been abused fall into self-harming behaviour. Often that takes the form of recreating the original hurt which happened to them. I believe that the casual sex and the violence you subjected yourself to in the past was a form of self-harm.’

‘I’d agree with that,’ said Will.

Wolfgang felt his body tense. He really wished Will weren’t there for this bit. Heather, as usual, was cutting too close to the bone for his comfort. That was her job but he didn’t like it, not in front of Will.

‘Can we move on from this now?’ he asked, tightly.

Heather studied him. ‘Sure but I’d like you to think about it and we can pick it up again in a solo session. Is that okay?’

He nodded.

‘Is there anything else you’d like to talk about together?’

Wolfgang wanted to bring up the visiting his father thing but he couldn’t focus. His feelings felt too big inside him. He clutched onto Tilly’s fur. She sat up and licked his face.

‘I think you could use a break, Wolfgang,’ said Heather, gently. ‘Do you want to go and get some air and come back?’

Wolfgang couldn’t speak but he nodded and slipped out.

He went outside. Tilly followed him. He kept his thoughts away from wondering what Will was talking to Heather about in there. That was nothing to do with him. Just like some of the things in his head needed to be kept away from Will.

He took some deep breaths, focusing on the fresh air on his face and the feel of Tilly leaning her body against his leg. It worked, grounding him and allowing him to breathe and think again.

He went back inside. When he opened the door, he heard Will shut up halfway through a word.

‘Sorry, I should have knocked.’

Heather smiled at him. ‘Sit down. Will tells me you’ve had an idea he’s not particularly happy about.’

Wolfgang glanced at Will as he sat down. ‘That’s putting it mildly. He thinks I’ve lost my mind.’

‘And what do you think?’

‘I think seeing my father makes sense. I want to face him.’

‘And I think he should never have to see him ever again,’ said Will. He looked at Wolfgang. ‘I think he’s hurt you enough.’

‘Okay, let’s take this one step at a time,’ said Heather. ‘Wolfgang, can you explain what you feel you will gain by seeing your father?’

Wolfgang hesitated, then sent half a glance at Will. He was watching him, waiting for him to explain.

‘I feel like he’s … bigger in my head. Like … a monster in my closet that turns out to be a dressing gown that looks distorted in the dark. I want to … see what he really is.’

Heather nodded. ‘And Will, why do you want Wolfgang not see his father?’

Will clenched his fists. ‘That piece of shit has hurt him every day of his life. I don’t see why I should let him get anywhere near something that hurt him ever again.’ He glanced at Wolfgang. ‘I’d rather kill him myself than ever let him near you again.’

Wolfgang looked at Will and suddenly the distance between them felt too big. He didn’t say anything, just shuffled across to him and leaned against him. Will put his arm around him and held him.

‘Will you promise not to go near him?’ Will asked.

Wolfgang looked up at him. ‘I don’t …’ He swallowed. ‘I’m not sure I can do that.’

‘No,’ said Heather. ‘I don’t think that would be helpful.’

Will looked at her. ‘But I thought you agreed with me.’

Heather shook her head. ‘Not exactly.’ She looked at Wolfgang. ‘Wolfgang, I think there will come a time when meeting your father, face to face, is what’s needed. But I don’t think that time is now.’

‘Why not?’ Wolfgang asked.

‘I think facing your abuser is something that can help you to process when you’re more stable than you are now. When the self-harming behaviours have stopped and when you are able to face the memories you have, that will be the right time.’

‘I still don’t like it,’ said Will.

‘That may be your own issue to deal with,’ said Heather. ‘But it may be something that helps Wolfgang in the future. That may just be something you have to accept.’

Wolfgang looked at him, reaching out to cup his cheek. ‘I’m done letting him hurt me, Will. I just … I want to get better now.’

Will hesitated, then leaned into him, wrapped his arms around him and held him close. Wolfgang pressed his face to his neck, breathing him in. He didn’t need Will to tell him he loved him. He could feel it. When he let himself, he could always feel it.


	33. Chapter 33

It was Monday morning and Wolfgang got up early to make Will breakfast. He was going back to work that morning and Wolfgang wanted him to feel looked after for once. He felt good that morning. He hadn’t had a nightmare that he could remember and neither had Will. He felt like he was making good progress. He’d been writing in his journal regularly and he didn’t feel quite so tense inside as he had done.

He decided on scrambled eggs on toast rather than waffles or pancakes. He didn’t want Will to feel sluggish on his first day back. The bread was homemade wholemeal, which his mama and Will had made the day before.

Will was so good with her, always showing her things and helping her learn to do ordinary things again. Wolfgang liked the smell of the bread baking. It brought back some good memories for him, of the times before, when she’d been all right and they used to do things together. When he had been very small, his mama had made such an effort to give him happy moments, when they could be snatched. Heather said it was important to remember the good times as well, even if they’d been few and far between.

He’d just got the toast under the grill when Will came in. ‘Good morning.’

Wolfgang glanced round at him and smiled. He was in his tight, black uniform pants and his tight white undershirt. He looked hot. ‘Morning. Nervous?’

‘Nah, once I’m back it’ll be like I’ve never been away. What you doing?’

‘Making breakfast for you for a change.’

‘Smells good.’ He kissed his cheek. ‘I’ll go wake Irina. She needs to be up and dressed before Maria gets here.’

Wolfgang turned to him, frowning. ‘Maria? Why is she coming?’

‘She’s coming to sit with Irina, remember?’

Wolfgang put down the silicone spoon he’d been stirring the eggs with. ‘I thought that was just when I had to go out.’

Will shrugged, giving him a smile. ‘Well, now you don’t have to worry. You can just go out when you like.’

Before Wolfgang could say anything more, Will went off to Irina’s bedroom. Wolfgang turned back to the eggs but that lightness had gone and there was a knot in his stomach. Will didn’t trust him alone.

He took a deep breath and focused on the eggs, though his eyes were stinging.

His mama was in a good mood. She was all smiles at breakfast and chatted easily with Will as they ate. He was happy too, obviously eager to get back to work and back to his normal life. Wolfgang wanted a normal life but he didn’t know what one was.

Will reached out and laid his hand on top of Wolfgang’s. ‘You all right, baby? You’re very quiet.’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Yeah, I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about me, Will.’

Will looked closely at him for a moment, then pulled back. ‘All right. If you say so.’

Wolfgang gave him a smile. ‘Really, I’m fine.’

Will looked a little more convinced and he smiled. ‘It won’t be a late one tonight. I expect they’ll keep me on light duties for a week or two. If you need me, just ring, all right? I’ll have my phone on me.’

‘We’ll be fine, really.’ He glanced at the clock on the wall. ‘You’d better go get washed up. Diego will be here soon to pick you up.’

Will looked at his watch. ‘Yeah, you’re right. Will you pour my coffee into my thermos?’

Wolfgang nodded and got up to do it as Will hurried off to clean his teeth and wash his face and put his shirt on before he had to leave.

Wolfgang took a deep breath. He had to get himself calm. He had to show Will he could cope.

He heard his mama come up behind him. She put her arms around him and held him tight, resting her head on his back. Wolfgang patted her hand.

‘I’m okay, mama.’

‘You’re strong,’ she said. ‘Always strong.’

Wolfgang turned and hugged her properly. ‘Everything’s all right, mama. You know that, don’t you? We’re all right now.’

She pulled back to look after him. ‘Safe now,’ she said. ‘Safe with Will. Safe on our own.’

She frowned, looking away for a moment before she looked back at him. ‘You killed Sergei.’

He stared at her. She never talked about any of that. He didn’t even know how much she remembered, how much she had been aware of. ‘I didn’t kill him,’ he said. ‘I just didn’t help him, because he never helped us. I left him to die, because he deserved to.’

She gave him an intense look. He recognised something of himself in her gaze. ‘He was a bad man.’ She hesitated, her brow furrowing as she fought for the words. ‘I wish _he_ was dead.’

His father. They never said his name. It was a forbidden word here. He brought her close for a hug. ‘So do I.’

He breathed in the scent of her hair and wished he’d had the courage to kill his father, either back when he was a kid, or in that fire. The bastard didn’t deserve to live. He couldn’t imagine that he was having as bad a time in prison as he deserved. He’d probably have set up a gambling ring and he’d have a group who would watch his back. He was probably just fine. He knew that was part of the reason he wanted to see him. He wanted to see if he were suffering.

‘Right, I think I’m ready,’ said Will, coming back through. He hesitated when he saw they were in an embrace. ‘Is everything all right?’

Wolfgang pulled back. ‘Yeah fine.’ He rested his arm on his mama’s shoulders and looked at Will. He looked even hotter, in his complete cop uniform and Wolfgang smiled at him. ‘You look good.’

Will blushed and gave him a shy smile. Wolfgang couldn’t help but laugh. Will was adorable when complimented.

The doorbell rang.

‘That’ll be Diego and Maria,’ said Will, going to answer it.

He opened the door and Maria, Diego and the kids were there. Will greeted them enthusiastically, welcoming them in. Lucia and Alex hurried in, eagerly coming to greet Irina.

Wolfgang carefully extracted himself and slipped out the back door before anyone noticed. He couldn’t be around right now. He shouldn’t be around kids. He was too fucked up. He shouldn’t be trusted. Why didn’t Will understand that?


	34. Chapter 34

Wolfgang had planned to send Will off to work with a proper goodbye but just couldn’t stay in there. He shot out of the back door, his chest painfully tight and his breathing heavy. He sat on the bench overlooking the back garden and lit a cigarette. He focused on the slow in out of his breathing as he smoked and pushed away the thoughts in his head.

Just having Maria there was bad enough but the kids too? Didn’t Will realise he shouldn’t be around children?

He shook his head. He didn’t want to go there.

What was the fucking point of trying to get better if he couldn’t even be trusted to look after his own mother? What was he even doing? What was he bothering with all this pain for? It would be much simpler if he just took off and left Will and his mama behind. He could spend his nights getting off his face on whatever he could find, getting fucked by whoever he could find, until he forgot everything.

But he wasn’t doing that. He was here, stuck in this endless cycle of trying not to think. Would it ever get better? He thought he’d been making progress but clearly, Will didn’t think so.

His cigarette finished, he had nothing else to do but go back inside. He loitered for a while, kicking at the loose stones at the back door, trying to delay it. At last, it could be delayed no longer. He took a breath and went back inside. It was past Will’s time to leave and, sure enough, Will and Diego were gone. He lurked at the door, looking at the scene.

Maria was making a pot of coffee, while Alex and Lucia were setting up the scrabble board. His mama was sitting eagerly on the edge of her seat, watching them, with one hand on Tilly’s back.

Maria spotted him. She glanced at him and smiled. ‘Everything okay?’

Wolfgang shrugged. ‘Fine, yeah.’

‘Will was disappointed not to say goodbye to you but they had to go. He said he’ll call home when he gets a break.’

He nodded, not looking at her. He felt her looking at him though.

‘Are you having a cup of this coffee when it’s brewed,’ she asked, kindly.

He shrugged. ‘I guess so.’

‘I know this must be strange for you, like he’s left a babysitter in charge.’

Wolfgang shrugged again. ‘I just don’t see the need for you to be here. I can manage. I don’t need looking after.’

‘It’s not really you that I’m here to look after. Look, Wolfgang, your mother needs a lot of help right now and it’s not fair to put that all on you.’

‘I’ve looked after her since I was a kid. I can manage.’

‘Well, it’s high time you had a break. Diego and I are happy to share the load a little. My mama always says many hands make light work.’ She glanced around at where the kids were setting up the game. ‘Besides, they’re so good for her, and she’s brilliant with them. They love coming to see her.’

Wolfgang looked at them. They made a nice scene. His gaze lingered on Alex. He was a good-looking boy, with strong features. He’d be handsome when he grew up. But he was just a child now, happy and innocent. It made Wolfgang’s chest ache with sadness. How could somebody destroy someone so innocent?

_He_ was destroyed and he felt like he was still discovering just how much. The only thing he didn’t know was whether he was just a victim or whether he’d been turned into a monster too. The thought, the idea of hurting someone so innocent terrified him. 

He turned his gaze away. ‘I’m going out.’

She looked disappointed. ‘If that’s what you want to do. Maybe we could all go for a walk?’

‘I just need to be on my own.’ He crossed to the front door, grabbed his jacket and strode out, letting the door slam shut behind him.

He couldn’t deal with this. He had to get out. He started to walk, deciding to head to the park. He didn’t know what he was planning on doing, just that he wanted to get away from there.

Maybe he should never have come here. Will put so much energy into looking after him all the time that there was none left for himself. Maybe if Wolfgang had stayed in Berlin, Will would have been able to look after himself a bit more. He could have managed with Irina still. Will was so good with her and she deserved to have a good life. She and Will could have come here on their own, sorted their lives out. He should have stayed in Berlin, in the world he was used to. Felix and Lila would have sorted him out with work. There was always someone who needed killing or a safe to crack. He’d been good at that stuff. That kind of life was all he was really good for.

He reached the park and sat down on a bench. He lit another cigarette and sat smoking. He took out his mobile. He had Felix’s number. Felix had insisted.

He had thought that was rather strange. He and Felix had known each other since school but they had never really interacted. He and Steiner had run with a gang made up of the kids of men associated with their fathers, or those who wanted to be. Wolfgang and Steiner had constantly jockeyed for the leader but usually, Steiner won.

Wolfgang smirked. Well, the days of that were over. Steiner was as dead as his dear dad. A fucking waste of space, both of them. Wolfgang had finally got the upper hand and now he was going to keep it.

He swiped down to Felix’s number and looked at it. Felix had always been there, though Wolfgang had never really understood why. At school, then later at the bar, he’d looked after him. He’d stopped him getting into too much trouble. Maybe he could help him now. He sure as shit didn’t know what else to do.

He selected Felix’s number and brought the phone to his ear as it began to ring.


	35. Chapter 35

‘Hey, Wolfie! How’s it going, Kumpel?’ answered Felix, in his usual bright tone.

‘Hi, Felix. I was … wondering if you had any work for me over there. I was thinking of coming back to Berlin.’

There was a silence at the other end of the phone for a moment before Felix responded. ‘What’s going on over there? Has something happened?’

‘I just … well I don’t belong here and I should have never come and I just need to get back to doing what I need to do.’

There was another long silence.

‘I’m coming over there.’

‘No, Felix, there’s no need for you to come here. Have you got a job for me or not?’

‘I can’t employ you if you’re crazy, Wolfie.’

‘Felix …’

‘So what I’m going to do is book a flight and get over there and make sure you haven’t gone totally crazy. Where are you anyway? Is Will with you?’

‘No, he’s at work. He got this friend of his to come and look after mama. She brought her kids and I just … I can’t be around them.’

‘Why not?’ Felix’s tone was blunt as usual.

Wolfgang decided to ignore the question. He didn’t know how to answer it. ‘I’ve just come to the park. I don’t even know why he asked her round. I can cope.’

‘Yeah. You’ve coped all this time.’

‘I don’t need babysitting.’

‘Course you don’t but Wolfie, don’t you think this is more about your mama than you?’

Wolfgang frowned and took a drag on his cigarette. ‘I can cope with mama.’

‘She needs more than coping. She needs someone to help her learn to do things again. She needs friends, like any other woman. She’s a grown up, Wolfie and it’s about time she had a social life after all that time stuck in her room with just you and that bastard for company.’

Guilt squirmed in his belly. He hadn’t even thought of that.

‘So you gone off Will then?’

‘No, what makes you say that?’

‘Why else would you want to leave?’

‘Because... because Will would get on better without me.’ He stubbed out his cigarette and rubbed the back of his neck. ‘He’s got his own stuff to deal with. He could do that better without me.’

‘I’m sure he’d rather do it with you.’

Wolfgang shook his head even though Felix couldn’t see him. ‘But he’s not. He’s just looking after me, looking after mama. Fuck he’s even looking after Tilly before his own needs.’

‘Shit, you guys really are a mess without me. Never mind, I’ll be there soon and I’ll sort you useless wankers out.’

Wolfgang grinned. ‘We’re not that bad.’

‘Yeah, you are. You’re worse. Pair of useless idiots. But don’t worry. Onkel Felix will be there in a couple of days.’

‘Thanks. I don’t know what you can do but...’

‘There’s always something. Look, you go home, keep calm and I’ll be with you in a couple of days.’

‘See you then,’ said Wolfgang and hung up.

He didn’t move straight away. He lit another cigarette and sat there smoking it. He didn’t want to go back home, not while the kids were still there.

When the cigarette was done, he got up and started walking again. There was only one place he felt comfortable going.

Will managed to get to lunchtime without calling home. It was a challenge. He’d been put on light duties for his return though he wished he hadn’t. He could have used the distraction from worrying about how Wolfgang and Irina were getting on.

He knew Wolfgang wasn’t all right. He wasn’t as good at hiding it as he thought he was. Or maybe Will was just getting better at spotting it. The only trouble was, he didn’t know what was wrong.

He’d seemed in such a good mood first thing that morning but something had shifted suddenly. Things like that often happened. It was like things would get on top of him sometimes; memories suddenly resurfaced or some sensation triggering some old bad feeling.

Will went outside the police station to call home. Diego was nagging him to go Super Dawg for lunch and was already waiting in the car. Will really wanted to go, just to do something normal, but he had to make sure Wolfgang and Irina were okay first.

Wolfgang didn’t answer his phone. That wasn’t so unusual. If Wolfie was sulking or unhappy about something, the last thing he’d do was answer his phone. Especially to Will.

He tried the house phone, but nobody answered that either. Trying to push down the worry, he rang Maria’s cell. She answered within a couple of rings.

‘Hello, Will,’ she said, brightly.

‘Er, hi, just calling to check in,’ he said, trying to keep his voice calm and light. ‘Is everything okay?’

‘Irina’s fine. We’re just sitting out in the garden. She says she’d like to do some gardening sometime.’

‘Er yeah, we can do that. Is Wolfgang there? Could I talk to him?’

‘Ah, well, he’s not here right now. He … headed out not long after you left. Said he was going for a walk.’

‘Oh.’

‘The thing is, I don’t think he’s really happy about us being here. I didn’t know whether to go after him or not but you did say, I was more here to help with Irina than him.’

‘Yeah, of course, yeah. Erm, don’t worry. He does go on long walks sometimes.’

‘Okay, do you want me to let you know when he comes home?’

‘Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks, Maria. I’ll be home in a couple of hours.’ He hesitated. ‘I’m taking D to Super Dawg. I promise I won’t let him overdo it.’

She laughed. ‘Just tell him we’re having enchiladas tonight. He’ll make sure to save some room.’

He grinned and said goodbye. Once he’d hung up, he let out a long breath. So Wolfgang had stormed out. It wasn’t difficult to read between the lines of what Maria had said. He needed to have a proper talk with Wolfgang and try to get him to understand that Maria being there wasn’t about him. Irina needed more input than they could provide alone.

But with Wolfgang, he couldn’t be sure that it was just that which was troubling him. He kept things to himself so it wasn’t always easy to work out what was troubling him. Half the time, Will didn’t think Wolfgang knew what was bothering him himself. He was so used to pushing it all away.

‘C’mon, man!’ called Diego. ‘I ain’t missing out on Super Dawg for your worrying!’

Will smiled. ‘I’m coming, D,’ he said, starting to head over. At least he had his best friend to keep him distracted when he needed it. Maybe that was what Wolfgang needed too; more friends around him and more people in his corner.


End file.
